He must have known you would overreact

Dear Carolyn: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years and generally, we’ve had a great relationship in all respects. About two months ago I brought up the M word (marriage). He said he wasn’t ready. In the past couple of weeks he’s been acting a little strange – not calling when he says he will, etc. When I confronted him about it, he said he loved me and wanted to marry me but was scared to commit and didn’t know why. He told me he wanted a “break” for a week or two.

I thought that sounded like a load of garbage and told him I couldn’t handle the emotional seesaw, and we should just break up right then, which we did, although he was aggravated that I was “carrying it so far.” I really love this guy and I am heartbroken, but I felt his request showed he had doubts, which he wouldn’t have if he loved me enough to marry me. Did I do the right thing or should I have let him have his break? – Sad and Second-Guessing

Good that you clarified – my M word is “magpie.”

I feel his request showed he had doubts – of which you can’t possibly know the true meaning because you wrote his feelings off as a load of garbage and slammed the door in his face.

At the risk of getting a faceful of door myself, I’m going to posit that your relationship can’t have been great “in all respects.” That takes two people who don’t punish each other for sharing their feelings. Even painful ones.

The truth of his doubts was obviously a hard one for him to express to you. Upon hearing it, you had three choices – to set your bruised ego aside and explore with him the possible reasons; or to grant him his measly two weeks, even grudgingly; or wham.

To be fair, his dodging you to the point where you had to confront him means he won’t be winning any Emoting Bees, even at the local level. He should have been more forthcoming. But, then, it could just be that after knowing you for two years, he knew exactly how receptive you’d be to his admitting that he had some doubts.

We could argue the chickens and eggs of bad communication all day, and at the end of it, we’d still have you, missing this guy, wanting him to want to marry you. So go back and scrape him off your door panels and apologize for overreacting and offer to help him parse those doubts. Learn to talk to the guy.

If that fails or if the shuffling and suspense drag on for months instead of weeks, then worry about breaking up. Regardless of the outcome – stand in there and handle it. Great practice for marriage, to him or anyone else.

Dear Carolyn: What are your thoughts on female entertainment at bachelor parties? – Perturbed Girlfriend of Party Attendee

If they play old Streisand movies, I’m against it.

Everyone knows the bachelor/ette party worst-case scenario. At best, it’s “Take my wife … please!” in party form – an old joke that was edgy once but now is so stale it’s (nearly) harmless. In my Oz, the whole idea gets crushed by a house.