Spouse sounds burned out, depressed
Dear Annie: I am 24 years old and have been married to a great man for almost four years. “Justin” supported me financially through college and left it up to me as to whether I wanted to work. I worked part time in college, and since graduating, I have been working full time. Justin worked for three years to help me get through school, putting in 60 to 70 hours a week.
Last October, Justin, tired of his long hours, quit his job. He did not tell me first; he just quit. I do not get benefits with my job, so we lost those, as well. He finally started working part time, but it doesn’t pay the bills. He went from making $900 a week to $175 a week. No matter what I say or do, he will not look for a full-time position.
I have sent in resumes and applications for him, but when employers call for an interview, he tells them he is not interested. He has been to the doctor, and we have tried counseling. He has all the right responses for the counselor’s suggestions, but he won’t put them into practice.
I have threatened to leave him, but he simply does not react, and I wouldn’t follow through anyway. I really don’t want our marriage to end. I love Justin, but he has changed, and I don’t know what to do. Please help. – Desperate Wife
Dear Wife: Justin sounds burned out and depressed. Don’t send out any more resumes, because he isn’t ready. If counseling isn’t working, Justin may need to see someone else and possibly be put on medication. For a low-cost referral, check with United Way, the YMCA, local hospitals, universities and graduate schools, NAMI (www.nami.org or (800) 950-NAMI, (800) 950-6264), Samaritan Counseling Centers (samaritaninstitute.org), and Recovery Inc. (recovery-inc.com). Good luck.
Dear Annie: My husband and I recently moved into a new house. Our next-door neighbors had a huge barbecue on a Saturday, and there were cars everywhere. The guests parked in front of our home and walkway until I instructed them to move.
I was going to go next door and request that their guests move their cars, but I was really angry and decided to write you instead and ask how to handle this type of situation. – Sharon
Dear Sharon: Except for the angry part, it would have been perfectly OK to go next door and complain. Most hosts do not monitor where their guests park and have no idea they are annoying the neighbors. It’s fine to knock on their door and say as pleasantly as possible, “We’re sure you don’t realize it, but your guests are blocking our walkway. Could you please ask them to move their cars?” Considerate neighbors are happy to oblige.
Dear Annie: I was upset by the letter from “Dealing With Dementia in Canada,” whose wife didn’t want the children to see the grandparents in a nursing home. Please do not let her keep those children from seeing their grandparents.
When my father was hospitalized with cancer, my daughter asked every day if she could go visit. My older sister convinced me that the kids should not see their grandfather “that way.” I told my daughter she’d see Grandpa when he came home.
Well, Dad never came home. It is now six years later, and I still think about how my daughter never got to see the man she loved most before he died, and it kills me. And it hurts her, too, because she still tells me how she would have loved to see Grandpa before it was too late. – Regretting It Forever
Dear Regretting: Thank you for sharing your experience so our readers can learn from it. You made the decision you thought was best. Now it’s time to forgive yourself.