Cruise, Letterman make good match

If all goes according to schedule, Tom Cruise appears tonight on “The Late Show with David Letterman” (11:35 p.m., CBS). I guess that should be interesting in a painful fashion.

Both Cruise and Letterman gained national prominence in the early 1980s and have remained perched in our consciousness ever since. But neither man seems quite what he used to be, or even quite who he used to be.

In all honesty, I gave up “Letterman” years ago.

His monologues and bits seem forced and repetitive. And not only are his interviews prepackaged and staged, Letterman has made a public point that his guests come prepared with a canned, well-rehearsed presentation.

Few people have done more to destroy the art of conversation on television than David Letterman. The atmosphere of nonspontaneity on his show is often bleak and suffocating.

It hardly surprised me a few months back when I read that more 18- to 34-year-old males watched Cartoon Network’s “Adult Swim” than Letterman or “The Tonight Show.” You don’t have to be young to prefer the anarchy of “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” to the contrived antics of the billionth “Top Ten” list.

Letterman’s lost touch was painfully in evidence last week during his interview with former President Bill Clinton. Here was a show featuring the beloved and be-hated first baby boomer president, with a surviving Beatle – Ringo Starr – on the same billing. It might not appeal to the “Adult Swim” crowd, but this fogy couldn’t resist.

After at least 20 minutes of stunts and a monologue featuring Michael Jackson jokes that seemed disinterred from Bob Hope’s tomb, Letterman finally got around to the Clinton. But he insisted on talking at length about their shared experience of heart bypass surgery.

While Letterman’s instinct may have been natural, the results seemed slightly self-indulgent and surprisingly dull. Love him or hate him, Bill Clinton is a man who can speak articulately and at length on any subject. Reduced to talking about his operation and recovery, he appeared listless and at times even bored. Clinton seemed to lighten up only when the subject changed to Tsunami relief, Iraq and even Bosnia.

Tom Cruise’s well-calculated trip to Bizarro World has been equally well-documented. His strange kicking routine on “Oprah” is precisely the kind of behavior that got actor Crispin Glover booted off Letterman’s show way back when you could still expect the unexpected from “Dave.”

So Letterman and Cruise meet tonight, two popular and spectacularly overpaid symbols of an entertainment industry that is not only failing at its one clear mission (to attract and entertain an audience) but is also beginning to endure open derision from a jaded public that’s too bored to go to the movies anymore.

Despite the best efforts of the industry’s most powerful flacks, Tom Cruise is suffering from a serious case of the emperor’s new clothes. Fewer and fewer people are buying his act.

But with his stiff, robotic mannerisms and seemingly programmed personality, Cruise ought to feel right at home on David Letterman’s couch. Perhaps these two ‘80s icons deserve each other.

Sue Herera hosts “CNBC in Brazil” (5 and 8 p.m., CNBC), a portrait of an emerging economy.

Other highlights

Tommy Hilfiger tries to clone a mini-me on “The Cut” (8 p.m., CBS).

On back-to-back episodes of “The O.C.” (Fox), hookups you didn’t see coming (8 p.m.), and Cupid’s arrows, locked and loaded (9 p.m.).

Grissom’s crew find gruesome remains on “CSI” (9 p.m., CBS).

Host Vernon Kay towers over the competition on “Hit Me Baby One More Time” (9 p.m., NBC).

A new medication complicates a kidney transplant on “ER” (10 p.m., NBC).

An autistic student vanishes from a field trip on “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS).

Cult choice

“Chaotic” creator Britney Spears stars in the 2002 travelogue “Crossroads” (8 p.m., MTV).

Series notes

On back-to-back episodes of on “Joey” (NBC), Michael cramps Joey’s bachelor life (8 p.m.), and Joey’s first party (8:30 p.m.) … Fat to fit on “My Wife and Kids” (8 p.m., ABC) … Wrestling on “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN) … On back-to-back episodes of “Blue Collar TV” (WB), getting down (8 p.m.), and getting sick (8:30 p.m.).

First impressions and last resorts on “Beauty and the Geek” (9 p.m., WB, r, TV-PG,L).