How she feels about him key to next move

Hi Carolyn: A guy I met in December has been calling 4 to 5 times a week and asking me to go out every weekend, always in groups of friends. I’ve met his family, been to his church and been invited to his office to meet his colleagues (I went), and we have a great time together. He has mentioned on more than one occasion that he takes his time making decisions and thinks a strong friendship is the basis of a successful relationship.

I can’t figure out if this guy likes me or just wants to be my friend. I like him quite a lot. At what point do you think I can justifiably ask him what his intentions are? I’m thinking I have to keep my mouth shut indefinitely so I don’t scare him off, but I would REALLY like to know where this thing is going! He’s 30; I’m 28. – Northern Michigan

I think they proved this with rats, that by rewarding you in discernible pattern, he’s trained you to obsess about your next reward.

I doubt he’s doing it on purpose – few people are that clever, or sadistic, or have such suspiciously effective control of themselves, or, in this case, impressively, all three – but if he wanted you to beg naked at his feet, he couldn’t have rigged it better.

Problem is, it distracts you from the more significant question: whether you like him. You say you do, and you well might, but you also wouldn’t be the first (or the hundred-millionth) to get so caught up in the suspense surrounding his feelings that you neglect to scrutinize your own.

So. Collect yourself, and try to see whether he’s truly good for you, or if it’s just the chemistry talking. No one in recorded history has ever pulled this off except in hindsight, but, try; someday someone will be first.

Ideally, you’ll take away either: confidence in your feelings, or a healthy fear and respect for the drug aptly known as a “crush.”

If it’s the former, speak up – ask him out solo. Lay it out there and be brave.

And if it’s the latter, see that there’s wisdom in taking your time, and not just a masterly tease.

Hi! I don’t know how to deal with a boy I dated briefly, who cannot be in a relationship with me for his own personal reasons. I said we could be just friends, and he said we should just let it grow organically. At first, he made a commendable effort. Now, a few weeks later, I feel as if I am doing all the work. It’s difficult to figure out what “natural” is since I fell hard and he knows I like him. As we are going to be in the same city next year, this isn’t a relationship with an expiration date. But sometimes I wish it were because I like things to be simple. What’s natural and how do I achieve that? – Anonymous

He “can’t” date you, you’re the only one initiating contact, and his response to your (desperate) friendship offer vaguely conjures the word “fertilizer.” You’ve achieved both nature and simplicity; you just don’t like what they say. Understandably – “no” is hard to hear when you’ve fallen hard.