Do tell him something’s sorely missing

Dear Carolyn: My ex-boyfriend of almost three years and I still keep in contact. Our gatherings are somewhat rare (about every other month), but the last few times, we ended up sleeping together. I’m totally fine with it. Honestly. I’m moving away in a few months, and I can’t see myself getting back together with him.

The problem? For our last “visit,” we got a couple of drinks and then hooked up. Now, he’s suggesting skipping the overpriced drinks and going straight to the goods.

I’m not expecting a lot from the boy, but at least he could shell out money for one drink! Or forget the drink – let’s eat ramen. So, do I make it clear that dinner and/or drinks come first, then dessert, or do I forego and go straight for dessert? I’m all for casual sex, but, c’mon, you’ve still got to treat the person right. Agree? – Denver

Sure. For a margarita.

If you insist he buy you dinner and/or drinks before you sleep with him, then you’ll be a prostitute whose price is dinner and/or drinks.

I have a hunch that’s not your intent. Especially not if you bag the drink and eat ramen.

Your question is much muddier than you think, as is fitting for a casual-sex conundrum. What you’re trying to say is that while you’re comfortable with the idea of having sex without a committed relationship, you’re not comfortable having sex without any relationship at all.

You can say this to him, if you’d like. (Tell him there’s something on your mind, and offer to buy him a drink?) Just be warned that if he agrees to spend time with you only because it’s the price he must pay to have sex, then you’ve wandered back into the mud.

Dear CH: A good friend of mine is getting married in the fall and she’s asked me to be in her wedding. It’s her first wedding and I’m happy to let her do all the pomp and circumstance she wants as long as she does not morph into Bridezilla. My thinking is that since I will be closer to (gulp and yay) 40, I’m waaaaay too old to be a bridesmaid. Right … or do I need to start shopping for dyeable shoes? – Old and Cranky

Can’t find my 10-foot pole, so I’ll improvise: If you feel waaaaay too old, then that’s what matters.

Plus, your rationale for saying no comes not at the bride’s expense, but at your own, which makes it disarming and therefore forgivable (especially if you use those exact words, “old and cranky”).

Unless: the bride is your age or older. In that case, you’d not only be calling her old, but you’d also be saying, implicitly, that she’s at an embarrassing age to play princess. Then all you can do is hope – that she’s either a great friend, or has a great sense of humor, or hasn’t sniffed so much bridal dust that she can’t let you all wear your own shoes.