Sharing secret of her attack a healthy sign

Dear Annie: Recently, my 13-year-old daughter, “Ellie,” told me she was raped two years ago by a boy who also was 11 at the time. I had no idea, since she never let on that anything had happened, never showed changes in her personality or became withdrawn, nor did she display any signs that she was troubled.

I know that this must have been a horrible experience for Ellie, and as a teenager, it is imperative that she have a healthy self-image. She said the reason she didn’t tell me earlier was because she didn’t want me to think badly of her. I reassured her and told her I would never think that, and that this was not her fault. But her words broke my heart.

Ellie doesn’t want anyone else to know about the rape and told me if she feels the need to discuss it, she will come to me. She is an emotionally well-adjusted child, but I think she should receive counseling. I also am concerned because Ellie says she is never going to have sex again. I understand that for now, but will this carry into her adult life and affect her? She was a virgin before this happened.

I want to help my daughter. Do you believe she really is OK? Is there any legal recourse? The crime is two years old, and the boy is still a minor. Thanks for your help. – Love My Daughter More Than Anything

Dear Mom: The fact that Ellie came to you with this information, even after two years, means it still troubles her deeply. Your instincts are solid. Ellie should get professional help. We recommend contacting RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (rainn.org), at (800) 656-HOPE (800-656-4673), for counseling and information about legal recourse. You can check it out first, Mom, and then encourage Ellie to do the same.

While it is a good sign that Ellie is willing to confide in you, it is important that she talk to someone who is trained to assist victims of sexual assault.

Dear Annie: What is the proper etiquette about inviting your boss to baby and wedding showers? My boss, who is not a particularly friendly person and has no personal relationships with any of her staff, always gets peeved when one of us has such an event and doesn’t invite her. She says it is “proper etiquette” to invite your boss to these kinds of parties and that we girls have “no manners.”

Am I rude for not including my boss in my personal events, to which I invite my family and close friends? – Anxious Employee

Dear Anxious: Your boss is mistaken. You are not obligated to invite her to any nonwork-related event outside the office. However, if you feel your job may be in jeopardy, you might want to make allowances for her. It sounds as if the woman desperately wants to be included in these social affairs.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Exasperated Son-in-Law,” who lacks the guts to tell his in-laws they’re too intrusive. How could you tell him to rely on his wife to do it? Did it not occur to you that she, too, is spineless? Why should she do the speaking, just because she’s the offspring?

Guess what? It’s his house, too. It doesn’t matter that the intrusive people are his in-laws or not. He has every right to assert himself. It’s his house and his castle. Whatever happened to the concept of “man of the house”? Isn’t he supposed to wear the pants in the family? Why should his wife handle it? If he is annoyed by his in-laws, he should be the one to tell them. – F.H.

Dear F.H.: Man of the house? Pants in the family? Are you stuck in the last century? They are her parents, and it is best for her marriage if she tries talking to them first. It would be presumptuous of her husband to think it is his prerogative to take over his wife’s familial relationships without her approval.