Problem with potlucks are leftovers

The ancient and noble tradition of hospitality has come to this: Hosts and guests are squabbling over who gets possession of the leftovers.

Miss Manners is aghast. How sordid it is for people who have broken bread together to fight over the disposition of the crumbs. If she had not received countless letters from angry combatants, she would never have believed that this is a widespread problem.

The catalyst for this spectacle is the downgraded “potluck dinner,” which has become a commonplace of modern society. Potluck once signified a cheerful willingness to share whatever was in the family pot with the unexpected visitor and an implied apology that something special would have been offered if only there had been more notice.

Now it means that the visitor is expected to show up with a pot full of food for the host’s table. This is all very well when a group decides to meet for cooperative meals, sharing the responsibilities rather than taking turns entertaining. But so many who believe themselves to be hosts assign their invited guests to cook that it has come to be believed that to attend a dinner party, you must help cater it.

It may sound gracious for guests to take the initiative by asking “What can I bring?” But truly hospitable people complain that they can’t plan a menu because guests whose offers were refused persist in bringing items they expect to be integrated into the meal.

Miss Manners would have thought that the upside of this confusion would be a generous spirit among those who want to share the work along with the fun. Instead, the meal is hardly digested before things turn ugly.

There are hosts who consider that all items contributed to the meal, mandated or not, count as presents. They are appalled when a person who brought an item takes the leftovers home along with the platter.

There are a corresponding number of guests who consider that anything they bring continues to be theirs to offer and are appalled when the hosts put the leftovers away in their kitchens, with or without their pots.

Then there are third parties who contributed nothing but manage to appall everyone by asking for leftovers to take home. Or who, without asking, simply shovel them into transportable containers.

We need to establish some rules. And some sense of proportion.

Portions would be a good place to start. In the hope of solving the problem by eliminating leftovers, contributing guests should be told or ask how much to bring. Beyond that, scraps should be left where they are: those in the guest-cooks’ pots or platters to go home with them, and those on the hosts’ platters and plates to be disposed of by them, with the understanding that either can offer theirs to the other.