It’s easy to think worst when given partial facts

Dear Annie: “Myles” and I have been married for one year. I have two young daughters from my first marriage, and Myles has five children.

I recently received a phone call from my dad, saying he heard some disturbing news from my ex-husband’s father. My ex-father-in-law said my 4-year-old told him Myles put duct tape on her mouth to get her to be quiet. I told Dad that was ridiculous, and that I vaguely remembered Myles joking with my daughters about putting tape over their mouths. Dad’s response was, “Well, if he did, I’m going to kill him!” This shocked me.

I asked my daughters about it, and my older child said that once, Myles gave them each a piece of tape and they placed it on their lips to be funny. I also called Myles, who confirmed that the girls had put tape on their mouths, drew lips on the tape, put holes in it so they could drink through a straw, etc. He said it was 10 minutes of giggly fun, and it happened last summer. He was quite insulted that my dad immediately believed the worst about him.

I gave my parents all the details about the incident. Then I told my mother how disgusted I was with Dad’s reaction. She said Dad was just worried. My parents always have gotten along fine with Myles, but this really has put a strain on our relationship. My husband is hurt that they would doubt him so easily before getting the whole story. Are we overreacting? – Amy in Denver

Dear Amy: Dad needs to apologize for jumping to conclusions, but you and Myles should try to be more understanding about his reaction. We so desperately want to be alert to the dangers of abuse, and it is not unusual to make the wrong assumption when given partial facts by someone who undoubtedly made Dad feel that he was derelict in protecting your children.

Talk to your father and explain how hurt Myles is. Reassure him that Myles would never harm your children and that it is important he tell Myles that he trusts him. Then do your best to put this behind you.

Dear Annie: I work with a woman who always is asking people for their food at lunchtime. She usually asks if she can have some, but often, she just helps herself. Of course, she never shares anything of hers, and she always has plenty. How can I put a stop to this? – Going Hungry

Dear Hungry: The most direct way is simply to tell her, “Stella, I’d rather not share my food, if you don’t mind.” If she grabs something without asking, act shocked and say very loudly, “Goodness! You must be starving!”

Dear Annie: I had to respond to the letter from “Smoking Mad Guamanian,” whose wife was ready to get pregnant, but she refused to stop smoking. My husband and I were both longtime smokers when I unexpectedly became pregnant. We immediately quit together, but it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

When our son was born, he became the joy of our lives, but sadly, the damage had been done. We lost our beautiful boy to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at the age of 3 months. SIDS deaths are higher in families where there are smokers.

I will forever regret that I smoked for the first two months of my pregnancy. Smoking Mad’s wife needs to realize that if she continues to smoke, she is putting her baby’s life at risk. I thought that quitting was hard until I had to bury my child. No cigarette is worth going through that. – Grieving Mom

Dear Mom: We hope your words will motivate would-be parents to take whatever steps are necessary to quit. Bless you for caring enough to share your story.