Don”t look for Yen Master Phil with Cavs

Before we discuss why Phil Jackson is not Cavaliers-bound – though I’m not sure why this needs to be discussed since he’s more likely to go to Mount St. Helens in a handbasket than to Cleveland in first class – let’s look at how Phil Jackson has no equal in creating a stir without moving a muscle.

Jackson’s not the Zen Master, he’s the Yen Master.

For he’s about to earn, oh, maybe $10 million a year to just sit on the bench and fold his arms. Imagine how much more he might make if he also could do shadow puppets in the locker room.

You have to hand it to Jackson – his triangle offense is predicated on constant motion while his negotiating stance is predicated on sitting tight.

Nobody doubts Jackson is a good coach, but he walks around like he once roomed with James Naismith and drew up the original paperwork on the SALT II treaty.

At the moment, at least four teams with coaching vacancies have visions of Jackson swaggering in and capturing his NBA record- breaking 10th title. Of course, many pieces must be in place before he’ll relocate his ego.

Frankly, I think it’s going to be hard to find the perfect fit for Jackson. He’ll only coach in a big city for a team with two future Hall of Famers, with an owner whose daughter is available Saturday nights.

Remember, Jackson once called Sacramento a “cow town.”

Which brings us to Cleveland.

Now, I like Cleveland as much as the next guy, unless the next guy happens to be Phil Jackson, in which case, believe you me, I like Cleveland a whole lot more.

Trust me – the Cavaliers’ courtship of Jackson ends the moment he lands in Cleveland and doesn’t see a hot tub within sight of the runway.

And where exactly do you get good incense in Cleveland?

(This is a good time to mention Los Angeles. Jackson still dates Jeanie Buss, daughter of the Lakers owner. In relation to his talks with the Lakers, Phil has left Jeanie in the dark, feeling it’s a “conflict of interest.” I felt the same way when I continued to date other women after getting married.)

Think about this, anyway: If Jackson’s relationship with Kobe Bryant can be saved, which team – Lakers or Cavaliers – would be more attractive? The Lakers have sunshine, Jack Nicholson and the Pacific Ocean. Cleveland has record snowfall, Harvey Pekar and Lake Erie.

In Chicago, Jackson had Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen and a supporting cast that included Horace Grant. In L.A., Jackson had Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal and a supporting cast that included Horace Grant. In Cleveland? There’s LeBron James, an as-of-yet unidentified second future Hall of Famer and a supporting cast that includes Anderson Varejao.

Have I mentioned the Cavaliers’ new owner yet? What, Jackson’s going to go work for Dan Gilbert? Gilbert’s the type of fellow who would buy IHOP and take pancakes off the menu.

No, my friends, Jackson isn’t headed to Cleveland. Probably not even to L.A.

In the end, in fact, I believe Phil Jackson will return to New York. With his proven ability to sit for long periods of time without doing anything, he’s perfectly suited to be our next United Nations ambassador.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Since Timmy Chang inexplicably went undrafted and is presumably unemployed, would you consider hiring him as Shirley’s intern? (Trevor Lawrence; Cleveland)

A. Actually, after the draft, Chang was signed by Couch Slouch’s new favorite team, the Arizona Cardinals. As for the rest of the NFL – which drafted 14 quarterbacks last weekend – I will deal with each team individually. The New England Patriots even drafted USC’s backup quarterback, Matt Cassel, who threw 33 passes in five seasons. I guess he interviews well.

Q. What do you tell your children about gambling? (Mike Elias; East Chicago, Ind.)

A. Children? Who says I have any children? Heck, kids need food, clothing and shelter; Daddy needs new shoes.

Q. The summer I was 12, I hit 127 home runs. Steroid-free. Of course, my backyard fence was 40 feet to dead center, I was using a Fat Albert bat to hit a Wiffle Ball and I was facing my 8-year-old brother. Isn’t there a parallel here to Major League Baseball? (Mike O’Brien; Santa Monica, Calif.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.