Forgiveness possible for wife’s infidelity
Dear Annie: I am a victim of adultery. It has been almost 30 years since my wife admitted having an affair with a friend at work. There was a pregnancy and a child I raised as my own. I knew then that she wasn’t my daughter, and after all this time, whenever I look at her, I still see the other man in her face. I wish I could forget, but I can’t, and I am not sure if I have forgiven, even to this day.
I still am torn apart by this betrayal. I have never cheated, nor even let myself come within a mile of having an affair. I maintain dignity in all my relationships. But the animal side of me fantasizes about my wife having sex with this other man, and this leads to a denigration of our relationship on my side of the fence. I become moody and nasty toward her whenever I think of the two of them together.
Help me forget and move on, ladies. This has interfered with our sex life and our love for each other. My wife does not know I feel this way, and I am afraid she will be angry at me for digging up this old manure. But after 25 years, I find myself wavering between loving her and hating her for what she did to me. She always brings up past faults of mine, financial ones and poor career decisions, but I have never done the same. When she told me about the affair, I forgave her verbally and thought I’d gotten past it. Now, however, I find myself letting these thoughts sneak in at the slightest hint.
What can I do? I am really troubled by my attitude and want to get away from thinking about it. – Troubled Husband
Dear Husband: We feel terribly sorry for your daughter (and she IS your daughter if you raised her). It may be too much to expect you to forget this long-ago affair, and it doesn’t help that your wife brings up past grievances, but forgiveness is still possible. Since you obviously cannot do it on your own, please talk to a marriage counselor, with or without your wife, and do whatever work is necessary to truly and completely let this go. It is eating you alive.
Dear Annie: My loving, sweet wife is having another birthday. The problem?
Once again, her young-adult children ask, “What are WE going to do for Mom’s birthday?” Translation: They assume I will spring for a large birthday dinner at a nice restaurant. This year, I have already planned an intimate meal and concert for just the two of us.
Between us, we have seven children, and at these birthday dinners, they show up with spouses and guests, which makes it very expensive for me. If I refuse, I am viewed as anti-family or cheap. Isn’t it about time they tell me what THEY are going to do for their mother’s birthday? I’d be happy to split the expenses. This is causing me great anxiety. Please help. – Befuddled in ‘Bama
Dear ‘Bama: Keep in mind that for some mothers, the best gift you can give is an evening with the children. If that’s not the case, there’s nothing wrong with telling them, “I’ve already made plans with your mother. If you kids want to do something special, go right ahead.” Offering to split expenses is your call. The children will stop expecting you to pay when you stop agreeing to do it.
Dear Annie: This is for “Kara in California,” who asked about putting chairs out at stores so people with walking problems could sit down.
I have a walker that has wheels, a seat and a basket, which I use when I go shopping. The seat lifts up, the sides fold to 7 inches, and it weighs 13 pounds. I realize some people wouldn’t want to use one, but it certainly gives me lots of independence. – M.N., Colby, Kan.
Dear M.N.: Anyone for whom shopping is painful, tiring and difficult should look into getting a walker like yours. Thanks for the suggestion.