A disgusted fly on the chat room wall
I had a nightmare this week about a certain disgraced public official trolling for new conquests online. Luckily, I awoke lucid enough to reconstruct a transcript from that creepy political “Twilight Zone”:
WrongBi-Guy: Still haven’t told me what u want for your big 18th birthday?!? So much 2 choose from. Lessee, tix from unplayed third-round Zags game? Game-worn socks from Ichiro? Autographed foto of Detlef Schrempf?
EdgeO17: Who he?
WrongBi-Guy: Sonics player, b4 your time… maybe I’m too old for u?
EdgeO17: Not as long as I’ve got that kicking city internship! ; - >
WrongBi-Guy: Glad 2 hear it. Sure u r not a reporter?
EdgeO17: Not on school paper, already told u. Not even yearbook.
WrongBi-Guy: Not S-R, Inlander, Nickel’s Worth?
EdgeO17: Nope. Chill, dude… Hey, aren’t u worried I’m from local TV news?
WrongBi-Guy: LOL, good one Edge. Everyone knows they don’t break news.
EdgeO17: Someone said u were doing some, uh, one-handed typing in your office?
WrongBi-Guy: Never! Don’t believe everything u read. After all, press reported for years I was against gays. <wink>
EdgeO17: ROTFL. But u better hope they don’t shine a black light on your carpet. TV news guys always do that to find gross “evidence” on hotel bedspreads.
WrongBi-Guy: You watch too much TV! Try doing homework & sports instead.
EdgeO17: U sound like my dad.
WrongBi-Guy: Don’t tell him that, ‘k?
EdgeO17: Yeah, just what u need, eh? Heard u r taking time off…
WrongBi-Guy: Just a few weeks.
EdgeO17: Gives us more time to chat.
WrongBi-Guy: <grin>
EdgeO17: And school’s almost done for the year…
WrongBi-Guy: U r 2 good 2 b true! But I also have to work on defense against reporter meanies. They keep persecuting me by finding more & more & more people to say I did wrong things.
EdgeO17: Know what u mean. When my englishe teacher found out I bought a term paper online, she told the principal and I had to take some time off too. Jerks!
WrongBi-Guy: Cheaters never win, Edge.
EdgeO17: Whatev mr. role model 4 teens… R u worried about cops?
WrongBi-Guy: Naw. Our police spokesman said it’s not a matter for them.
EdgeO17: You’re their boss, right?
WrongBi-Guy: Yes.
EdgeO17: Kuhl. Wish my principal worked for me.
WrongBi-Guy: What classes r u taking?
EdgeO17: Beside englishe? Some boring civis class.
WrongBi-Guy: Civics?
EdgeO17: Yeah, that one. Teacher is all blah blah about public trust, abuse of power, consent of the governed. Makes my head hurt.
WrongBi-Guy: Mine too, Edge.
EdgeO17: But my new englishe teacher is pretty kuhl. We’re reading quotes from this famous playrite.
WrongBi-Guy: Which playwright is that?
EdgeO17: Oscar Wild, er, Wilde.
WrongBi-Guy: Kuhl name. What does he say?
EdgeO17: Wait, I’ve got the book here somewhere.
Ok, here’s a good one: “The final mystery is oneself. When one has weighed the sun in the balance, and measured the steps of the moon, and mapped out the seven heavens star by star, there still remains oneself. Who can calculate the orbit of his own soul?”
EdgeO17: Hello?
EdgeO17: Hello?
EdgeO17: R u still there?