Re-evaluate the one-sided relationship

Dear Carolyn: Please help. I’ve been with my guy for almost a year and a half, most of it rocky. Lately things have been very difficult because he is trying to buy a house. He has had no success because the market is crazy, but he keeps telling himself he is a failure. He compares himself to rich people and to friends who don’t live in this area. I keep trying to get him to focus on the fact that he has a great job with a great salary and, if he gives himself some time, he’ll be able to save up and afford a great house. Instead, he chooses to beat himself up, be miserable and complain.

I am trying to be supportive. However, I am going through my own drama, which is an actual emergency. I have to break my lease because I can’t afford to stay here. I have been looking for a roommate and haven’t found one. I may have to go home, four hours away, and drive back on class days. He has not offered to help and he (rains) on every idea I come up with. I now resent him for not offering to help me, and then demanding so much of my time and mental energy to deal with his problem (which isn’t really a problem in the grand scheme of things). Am I being totally unfair? – Stressed

To whom?

You’re being unfair to him if he knows nothing about your resentment (until you finally swallow so much of it that you explode, all over his eventual new house).

The resentment itself seems justified; as long as he’s so absorbed in his own problems that he’s insensitive to yours, he’s not being much of a partner.

But for you to be a good partner to him, you need to call his attention to his insensitivity – either to give him a chance to address the problem in time, or, if it’s already too late and you’re out the door and don’t care what he addresses when or for whom, just to explain why you’re out the door.

Meanwhile, you’re being unfair to yourself if you treat this as merely a home-address flap.

Put all this behavior in context: Is stress always his response to hardship, and his response to stress always to lose sight of his good mood, his blessings, you? Is your response to his response – or to difficult people in general – always to reassure and reassure and reassure until you’re ready to claw your own skin?

Step back from your problem and squint, and I’m guessing you’ll make out a pattern. You overgive and ask nothing in return, not explicitly, even though you crave reciprocity, because you believe this is the way to be needed and loved.

And, in doing so, you keep getting used and resentful.

If this sounds at all familiar, then you need to think bigger than your (currently) negligent (current) boyfriend. You need to take better care of yourself. Meaning: Be ready to hold out for what you need, able to ask for it when you need it, and willing to walk away when you don’t get it. Starting with due respect for the pickle you’re in.