How to keep relationships harmonious
A friend of mine recently found herself in an awful tangle with a person she has known for a long time. She thought the business relationship was mutually beneficial and rewarding until the other person sent her a letter informing her that the relationship must end immediately.
My friend was shocked by the apparently non-negotiable state of the rift, the fact that she had not received any indication of trouble, or at least any indications she understood. And she was stunned that the other person did not have the courage or courtesy to address her in person. It was as if the two people were on different planets as far as understanding and appreciating their relationship.
One of the biggest causes of family strife and workplace strife is our inability to understand that different personality types approach problems, conflict and triumph in radically different ways. My friend’s antagonist is committed to avoiding confrontation. She would always prefer to talk things out and address problems “head-on.”
Some may look at that situation and see my friend as correct that all problems have to be addressed straightforwardly. Others may find that approach much too incendiary and argumentative. Where some of us may view her associate as a “chicken,” others may see him as the picture of reasonableness, prudence and patience.
It all depends on our personality type and how we like to assess situations and resolve conflicts. We all have different ways we process information. If we are sharp and facile in debate, we probably believe people like us are smart and accomplished. And we may well judge the deliberate thinker and speaker as dull and slow.
I hear something and start talking. Even though I know that talking before thorough evaluation can get me in trouble, it doesn’t stop me from thinking ill of people who take a lot of time to evaluate information. I must work hard to respect that those people simply have a much different way of processing information than I do.
If you plug the term “personality assessment” into Google, you will get (at least) 4,330,000 matches.
There are dozens of ways to measure who you are and why. I am a long-time believer in the Meyers-Briggs approach and I recently learned of another personality assessment test, something called MAPP (Motivational Appraisal of Personal Potential) on the Internet that is pretty interesting and thorough.
No matter which you favor, two things become extremely important:
•We must understand who we are and how we behave. So many of us often have no clue how we are affecting people. Either through a formal assessment or thorough self-analysis it is crucial to know if you like being around people, if you reach conclusions quickly or slowly, if you depend on facts and knowledge or if you rely more on intuition, if you avoid confrontation or relish it, and whether you react to emotional or factual cues.
•It is just as crucial that we try to appreciate how other people are arriving at decisions, and why they behave the way they do. Evaluate the people you deal with most by using your own characteristics as a guide. If you are a straight-ahead person and you are dealing with someone who avoids confrontation, you need to realize that person will probably consider you a rampaging bully. If you are a sensitive, feeling person, be aware that an analytical person will probably consider you a softie.
Taking the time to understand yourself and other people can lead to more harmony at home and at work.
Tip for your search: Find a way to evaluate own personal characteristics by going to www.google.com. Then spend time watching how other personality types interact and see what it teaches you about how you affect and interact with others.
Resource for your search: “Get Them on Your Side” by Samuel B. Bacharach (Adams Media Corp., 2005)