Everyone has incorrigible relative

In the popular imagination, the quintessential etiquette nightmare is no longer about finding oneself naked in public. Passersby would probably just think, “Oh, is it already Fashion Week again?” and go on about their business.

Rather, it is about using the wrong fork. Miss Manners suspects that the people who say this are just bragging. With logic that has never been clear to her, they feel that not being able to decipher the dinner table demonstrates their simple good-heartedness, in contrast to effete snobs who take their nourishment without stress on themselves or stains on the tablecloth.

But maybe they are just lucky enough not to know what a real etiquette nightmare is. Here is one that actually does involve forks:

“Our family recently celebrated my mother’s 90th birthday with her 94-year-old sister, daughter and two 30s grandchildren, and other guests,” writes a Gentle Reader. “We gathered in a private room at the only fine restaurant in the area.

“All went well until the end, when the hostess approached me and said that the server told her that she (the server) had possibly dropped some silverware into a ladies purse. Would I ask the ladies to check their purses for the missing silver-plated utensils?

“After polling the ladies, the two 30s grandchildren admitted to swiping the silverware so they could eat the leftover cake – freely offered – on the way home.

“I returned the silverware, apologized, thanked the server for her wonderful tact and slunk out of the restaurant.”

The nightmarish aspect is not so much the witnesses’ embarrassment – although there is plenty of that – as the choice between their own morals and manners on one side, and on the other, loyalty to the crass or the criminal who also happen to be their own.

How do they disassociate themselves from the offense without disowning the offender? Should they apologize? Would money help?

If there were a clear choice, these situations, ugly as they are, would cease to be etiquette nightmares.

First priority is to stop the rudeness, knowing that admonishment is more likely to aggravate it. Sometimes you can get away with changing the subject or saying, “I think people might misunderstand you” or “not realize you are joking.” Next is to assuage the hurt to the victim. An apology, along with – if plausible – “She didn’t mean it” or “He’s not himself” should be made out of the hearing of the offender. Money does help in commercial situations, where tipping should recognize the hardship duty of bearing such rudeness.

What helps the embarrassment should be the realization that everyone has relatives who are beyond control.