‘Journal’ gives some insight into Williams

Last summer Ricky Williams left the NFL; this summer he’s coming back. The mind of the erstwhile Miami Dolphins running back remains a mystery to most, but we can gain some insight into his fickle thought process by sampling a random week of the journal he’s kept during his sabbatical from the gridiron:

Sunday: They can bash me all they want on talk radio, but if you’ve got Jay Fiedler and A.J. Feeley dropping back on third-and-8, you’re staring at 4-12 every day of the week and twice on Sundays. … Who wants to set an alarm clock Sunday mornings, anyway? … If “Desperate Housewives” comes out on DVD, count me in… . Even if I wanted to go back to Miami, I can’t stand the thought of getting hot-footed… . The best thing about holistic healing? Rice Krispie Treats on Fridays! … God, I hate helmets.

Monday: I owe the Dolphins $8.6 million? Man. And to think, I used to complain about the late fees at Blockbuster. … Called my connection in the city, Beetle, for old times’ sake, but he told me even if I wanted a nickel bag, the good stuff ain’t due in from Brooklyn till next week. … I’m tired of hearing how “tough” Jim Brown was. What was he playing, a 12-game season? … How come Oprah doesn’t have Dr. Phil on anymore? … Lenny Kravitz is kickin’, but on occasion I wouldn’t mind a little karaoke. … If I never piss into a cup again, it won’t be soon enough.

Tuesday: Yeah, like I wanted to carry the ball 35 times a game for Dave Wannstedt. The man couldn’t even put on a headset straight. … I didn’t bring nothing but Nyquil when I flew Air India from New Delhi, ‘cause I didn’t want a “Midnight Express” situation, like that poor sap Billy Hayes. … Aromatherapy beats the heck out of the whirlpool… . I called my agent, Leigh Steinberg, and asked him – if I have to repay the Dolphins $8.6 million, doesn’t he owe 4 percent of that? He put me on hold. … Ran up the hill this morning and, for kicks, rolled back down.

Wednesday: If you had a choice between blocking Ray Lewis and smoking Mary Jane, what would you do? … No lie, man – and I mean this in a nice way – but if they had drug-testing on “The Price Is Right,” somebody would be sitting Bob Barker’s butt down. … Like it was asking too much for the Dolphins to switch to an organic training table? … I mean, how do you figure $8.6 million? I sure hope it’s a different court that’s hearing my next paternity case. … It’s the most curious thing: When I’m off the herb, I can’t stop eating granola.

Thursday: I love the California College of Ayurveda as much as the next guy, but, boy oh boy, there’s not much of a meat market in town Saturday nights. … I canceled my DirecTV – every time I click on the NFL Network, somebody’s getting hit. … I’d live in Australia in a heartbeat if I could figure out some way to plug in a microwave in the Outback. … Where exactly do they get $8.6 million from? Wasn’t O.J.’s civil-suit liability for, like, half of that? … Boy, do I miss that Mulligatawny Soup I used to get at that little joint in Calcutta.

Friday: When I was in football shape and Jellybean was holding down at the corner, I could run a 4.25 40… . I can deal with a four-game suspension – that’s not a punishment, that’s a good month in Cancun – but this $8.6 million business sounds like an old-fashioned shakedown.… I got me a hankering for some mango chutney. … I knew it was time to get out when the ‘04 Dolphins playbook had a “Ricky Williams pullout section.”… The other day at yoga, I had the most unexpected urge to whack a blocking sled.

Saturday: Grass Valley’s pretty serene, but when I ran a MapQuest on the nearest 7-Eleven, it suggested I plant my own fast food. … Geez, if I owe $8.6 million, you’d think I was rooming with Michael Milken. … I might have to reconsider my DirecTV decision. I already miss ESPNU. … I’ve got to remember to order a Harry & David’s fruit basket for my swami’s birthday next week. … The Original Whizzinator? Two-a-days, here I come!!!

Ask The Slouch

Q. When he’s done with basketball, Shaquille O’Neal says he wants to be an undercover cop. Isn’t that a stretch, so to speak? (Mike Esposito; Spokane)

A. Heck, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was an airline pilot in “Airplane!”

Q. NBA teams might allow advertiser logos on player uniforms. Is this a good idea? (Dan Jacobs; Fort Lee, N.J.)

A. Personally, I’d rather see the Nike swoosh on Russ Granik’s forehead.

Q. Why won’t Jerry Rice retire? (Brad Miller; South Bend, Ind.)

A. What would you have him do, co-host “A Current Affair” with Tim Green?

Q. Some guy in Illinois just caught a 124-pound catfish. What’s the biggest fish you ever tried to reel in that got away? (Chris Leigh; Chicago)

A. My first ex-wife.