Commitment-happy daughter worries mom
Q I wonder if you can offer some advice for my daughter. When she meets a man she likes, she gets in a rush to make a commitment. After a month or so, she’ll ask for an exclusive relationship. Here’s the problem: If he says no, she gets depressed. If he says yes, she thinks he’s too clingy and loses interest. Any ideas?
Mia: This sounds like a game to me. She likes the pursuit more than the men. Which probably just means she’s not ready for a serious relationship. Tell her to date casually for now and spend time with her friends. You can’t hurry love, as they say.
Steve: Nice to see you quoting a song from my era, Mia. The daughter is chasing her own tail. As with dogs, it’s not bad exercise, though entirely unproductive. But don’t worry, Mom, as she matures, she’ll tire of it.
Q I recently discovered that a close friend and her husband are both cocaine addicts and have been for years. They managed to hide it until recently, but eventually her family found out. Now she’s in rehab, but he is not. She wants to go back to him when she gets out of rehab, but we’re afraid that she’ll start using with him again. Is there any way we can keep them apart?
Steve: If she wants to return to her old environment, then the rehab has failed. A fundamental truth of rehab is that you must avoid the path that got you into trouble in the first place. But another truth is that only the addict can get and stay clean. No one can do it for her.
Mia: Be her friend and let her know that you’ll be there for her emotionally if she needs you. But you can’t make her live in a safe place and get her life together. It’s really sad, but there isn’t a lot you can do to keep somebody clean.
Q I recently resumed a relationship with a boyfriend I dated for about a year a while ago. We’ve been together for two months now. He recently informed me that he is dating three women. I figure what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and I should date others, too. He’s not having any of this. I enjoy being with him but feel I should treat him as he treats me.
Steve: Exactly so. Tell your boyfriend the double standard was abolished in the ‘60s. Until he decides to date you exclusively, play the field. He gets credit for being honest, though, as many men just sneak around.
Mia: I have two words for you: DUMP HIM. This guy is a selfish, manipulative creep. And why would you want to be with somebody who is callously dating three people? You deserve better. Get out there and find it.
Q I’ve worked a job that mostly has night and weekend hours and find it really hard to meet women or sustain a relationship. Is there anything I can do about this? Or do I just have to get off graveyard hours?
Mia: Working nights is tough. But a surprising number of people work unusual hours. What you need to do is find someone who isn’t a 9 to 5er. Maybe someone in retail or restaurant work? Those people keep off hours, too. Try to hang out in coffee shops during the day and see who’s out and about.
Steve: I worked nights as a young man and met only nurses and barmaids. This was not a bad thing. But today, the Internet gives you a chance to meet people with interests similar to yours – not just dating sites but “meet-ups” and clubs – and you’ll find some of them share your odd hours.