Let the professor help you be wizard of words

The proliferation of e-mails, blogs and instant messages has meant a proliferation in the number of people practicing the wordsmith’s art.

So, I thought I might offer a few practical tips on how to make those messages sing, or, to put it another way, how to make them less lame.

The exclamation point – The exclamation point is a dangerous, dangerous weapon. Feel free to use it when the message you wish to relay is truly significant, as in, “Our first grandchild arrived at 1:32 p.m. today!” or “My hives are cured!” or “The judge gave me the minimum sentence!”

It is not to be used for “I luv u, girlfriends!” or “Let’s have lunch!” or “I totally forgot to floss today!”

And never, ever, should you succumb to the temptation to add multiple exclamation points, as in, “I am so pumped about going to brunch!!!!” or “I bought tickets to Neil Diamond!!!!!!” or even “The Zags are going to totally rule this season!!!!!!!”

Multiple exclamation points do not make your message sound more exciting. They simply make you, personally, sound more annoying. I can think of only one message that can truly justify multiple exclamation marks: “The world will end today!!!! And not metaphorically!!!!!”

The use of LOL – This stands for “laughing out loud” and people use it to indicate that somebody made a good joke. The only problem is, people often use it out of mere politeness when they did not actually laugh out loud, as in:

Message No. 1: “I totally forgot to floss today!”

Message No. 2: “LOL!”

LOL should be reserved for instances where you actually did laugh out loud. Otherwise, you should use a more accurate acronym, such as PABMOA, for “provided a brief moment of amusement,” or CMTFAHS, for “caused me to flash a half-smile.”

If something truly made you laugh out loud, you should go all the way and write MSOMN, for “milk squirting out my nose.”

The rules of grammar – I don’t want to get all English-teacher on you, but you should at least make an effort to write in, like, complete sentences.

The temptation is to write in a more impressionistic way, as in, “Oh my God. Got so faced last night. Head pounding. Stupid crow outside window. Make it stop. Make it all stop. Gonna get shotgun. Put out of misery.”

While this is evocative, it can be misinterpreted by the readers in unforeseen ways. One of your readers will call 911 and before you know it, a Suicide Prevention Counselor will be on the phone trying to comfort you, making your hangover even worse. And that crow will still be squawking.

Spelling – How can I put this tactfully? If you cannot spell even the simplest words, people will think you are a moron.

To prevent this, you should always take advantage of your computer’s spell-checking function. This will catch the obvious mistakes, such as “becuz,” yet it may not fix the more subtle problems, such as spelling your own name wrong, as in, “Your friend, Flank.”

The solution is to read over your e-mail or blog posting at least twice before sending it out. Pay particular care over those little mistakes that the eye tends to skip over, such as “spots” when you meant to say “sports.”

It may not seem like a big deal, but it can have a negative effect on a reader if you write, “Didn’t do much today. Sat around on my couch and caught some spots.”

Having a point – Finally, it is always a good idea to have something to say, whether in an e-mail, a blog, an instant message or in a doctoral dissertation.

It’s called “having a point” and it can make a great deal of difference, even in something as free-form as a blog. Here’s an illustration:

Having a point: “Some say we should not bother to rebuild New Orleans. They’re wrong. New Orleans is America’s cultural soul. An America without New Orleans would be a diminished America.”

Not having a point: “That whole New Orleans thing … wow. A big mess. I watched some of it on TV. There was some awesome footage. Hey! My dog just did something really funny!!!”

I suppose you can get away with that sometimes in a blog, an informal, journal-like form. However, for your doctoral dissertation, I would strongly advise against, “Hey! My dog just did something really funny!”

Unless, of course, you are a doctoral candidate in behavioral veterinary science.