Blending families takes work, patience and often a new perspective

While family is definitely something that should be celebrated, a rising divorce rate nationwide has led to more and more blended families, in which a second marriage from one or both spouses combines previously unconnected families under one roof. The resulting transition is often a difficult process. Despite such difficulties, there are a number of measures a newly blended family can take to help ease the transition:

•Teach your children that the word “family” has nothing to do with being blood related. According to Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., a practicing family therapist for more than 25 years, explaining to children what makes a family a family can go a long way to creating strong and healthy relationships between members of a blended family. “Teach your child to appreciate that happy family life is created by caring, committed people of all ages and connections,” Marshack suggests.

By teaching your children such a lesson, they are less likely to look at their stepparent as an outsider, creating a greater chance for both child and stepparent to form a stronger relationship.

•If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it. Settling into a blended family can be difficult to say the least. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more Americans have been living in step families since 2000 than in nuclear families, meaning you are not alone in dealing with the issues that face blended families. Both family therapists as well as support groups are available in most areas should you decide to seek help.

•Practice patience. Whether you were divorced from your first spouse or your spouse passed away, chances are you went through a grieving period. Your stepchildren will also be dealing with similar issues as your marriage to their biological parent will close the door on the possibility of their biological parents getting back together.

Allowing your stepchildren the time to adjust to your presence can be essential to establishing a healthy relationship with them down the road. Also, the age of your stepchildren can determine how long this process might take. Studies have shown that younger children, for instance, are prone to accept a stepparent more quickly due to a youngster’s need for structure and emotional involvement. Older children, such as pre-adolescents (ages 10 to14) and adolescents (ages 15 to 18), are less likely to come around as quickly, if at all.

•Perhaps, most importantly, making sure your children know there is enough love to go around is essential. Particularly in situations where each parent brings children from a previous marriage, both the parents and children have a tendency to “stick with their own,” meaning those in the blended family to whom they are blood-related.

Assuring this doesn’t happen rests squarely on the shoulders of the parents, who must make an effort to assure their own children they are loved and important while simultaneously making their stepchildren feel equally as loved and important. If both parents do not make a concerted effort to do this, children can then use their previous bond with their biological parent to gain power over their new brothers or sisters, making assimilation all the more difficult.

•Finally, a good way to see your newly blended family succeed is to keep the nonresidential parents involved. In so doing, you are heavily decreasing the chances your children and stepchildren will feel abandoned.

Unfortunately, this might be the most difficult hurdle to clear for a blended family. Studies have indicated that, after remarriage, the nonresidential parent is far more likely to disengage from their responsibility and connection to their children. Such is especially indicative of nonresidential fathers, who have traditionally shown a marked decrease in contact with their children after their former spouse has remarried.