Networks tune into traditional scares
With Halloween near, he networks don’t miss a beat, abandoning programming for the 2000 horror spoof “Scary Movie” (8 p.m. tonight, NBC) and “Monsters, Inc.” (8 p.m. tonight, ABC), the 2001 computer animated comedy featuring an Oscar winning song by Randy Newman.
Over on the Sci Fi Channel, every Saturday night is Halloween. Its latest low-budget shocker. “Cerberus” (9 p.m. tonight, Sci Fi), “stars” the legendary hound from Hades, the guardian of the dead. A very convoluted plot concerns a cabal of stereotypical bad guys, including a sadistic biker dude, various henchman and a demented renegade general from North Korea.
They’re determined to find a legendary sword buried with Attila the Hun, whose crypt is somewhere in Romania or thereabouts. Isn’t it a happy thing for horror filmmakers that the Balkans and Eastern Europe combine the allure of Dracula with the joys of cheap production values?
“Vampire Bats” (9 p.m. Sunday, CBS) sees Lucy Lawless (“Xena”) return to the role of insect expert Dr. Maddy Rierdon she played with such underdressed authority in “Locusts.” Only this time, she’s not the undersecretary of agriculture, but a well-liked professor at a Louisiana University that seems to hold sessions during the hottest months of summer.
This lapse in logic provides a perfect excuse for most of the coeds to wear skimpy clothing and cavort in bikinis and lingerie.
While “Vampire Bats” features characters (including Dylan Neal as Maddy’s husband Dan) from “Locusts,” it’s closer in feel to “Spring Break Shark Attack,” the first in CBS’ so-bad-it’s-great movie franchise.
Look for a cameo from Craig Ferguson (“The Late Show”) as well as “Grace Under Fire” star Brett Butler in a small but pivotal role. Timothy Bottoms (“DC 9/11: Time of Crisis” and “That’s My Bush!”) plays the town’s hapless good-ol’-boy mayor.
Based on Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel, “Kidnapped” on “Masterpiece Theatre” (8 p.m. Sunday, KSPS; concludes next Sunday) recalls old-fashioned tales where the action never stopped or failed to surprise you.
Young country boy Davie Balfour (Anthony Pearson) loses his father, discovers he has a rich uncle, and gets hoodwinked and sold into slavery amidst rough pirates. And that’s just in the first 20 minutes.
Beautiful scenery, memorable performances and impressive special effects abound. Watch this classic, or you’ll wish you had walked the plank.
Nine bold-face names get a chance to live out their pop star dreams on “But Can They Sing?” (10 p.m. Sunday, VH1). Would-be crooners include Morgan Fairchild, Joe Pantaliano, Bai Ling and Antonio Sabato Jr.
Tonight’s highlights
Practical jokes abound on an eight-episode “Cheers” minimarathon (8 p.m., TV Land).
Scheduled on “48 Hours Mystery” (10 p.m., CBS): a cop accused of killing his wife to further his career.
Shooter Jennings, son of Waylon, appears in his own music special “Shooter” (10 p.m., CMT). Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be guys who sing about cowboys.
Lance Armstrong hosts “Saturday Night Live” (11:30 p.m., NBC), featuring musical guest Sheryl Crow.
Sunday’s highlights
The pitch-perfect lifestyle series put-on “The Brini Maxwell Show” (3 p.m., Style) returns for a second season.
Scheduled on “60 Minutes” (7 p.m., CBS): an interview with England’s Prince Charles.
Dancing on a third rail on “West Wing” (8 p.m., NBC).
Patti LaBelle performs on “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (8 p.m., ABC).
Michael J. Fox appears on “Inside the Actors Studio” (8 p.m., Bravo).
“Hannibal v. Rome” (9 p.m., National Geographic) recalls the Carthaginian general who rode an army of elephants over the Alps and came close to vanquishing the imperial city.
Suspicions of a female stalker on “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” (9 p.m., NBC).
Mike returns to find Susan held hostage on “Desperate Housewives” (9 p.m., ABC).
Caesar returns with the world at his feet on “Rome” (9 p.m., HBO).
Jordan may have found the one on “Crossing Jordan” (10 p.m., NBC)
A train wreck fills the hospital on “Grey’s Anatomy” (10 p.m., ABC).
Andy gets a speaking part in a musical on “Extras” (10:30 p.m., HBO).
Cult choice
Cabin fever gets the best of a pent-up writer (Jack Nicholson) in director Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 adaptation of Stephen King’s thriller “The Shining” (8 p.m. tonight, A&E).