Being too rigid can be turnoff

Dear Annie: I am 26, slender, and I have been told I am attractive. I put myself through college, and I have a wonderful job that I love. My problem? I have never had a relationship that lasted more than eight months.

I am very independent, and I like it. The last man I dated told me I was too independent for my own good and that it would keep men at bay. Of course, I tried to shrug off his comment, but I can’t help thinking that maybe he’s right.

Whenever I tell people I am single, they look at me with those sympathetic eyes and say, “Oh,” and then they are even more surprised when I tell them I am not dating anyone. Obviously, they can’t figure out why I can’t find a partner.

Was that guy right? Am I too independent for my own good? – Happy but Lonely

Dear Happy: It depends on what he meant by “independent.” Are you giving men the impression that you don’t need them for anything? That you aren’t going to compromise any part of your life to accommodate a man? Did he feel unwanted, unnecessary and unappreciated?

Men, as well as women, like to believe someone needs them and cherishes having them around. If you are treating your boyfriends like accessories you can do without, that could explain the comment – and yes, it could be keeping men at bay.

Dear Annie: When I read the column about estranged elderly parents and children, I had to write.

My mother is not the least bit maternal. She was never nurturing or comforting. When I was growing up, if Mom did something motherly for me or my sisters, she complained she was being “taken advantage of.” Often she was neglectful and abusive.

Now, as an adult, I can see that Mom has many good qualities, although being a mother is not one of them. Some people are just not meant to be parents. While my sisters have chosen to eliminate contact with Mom, I have re-established a relationship with her as a friend, although I still don’t think of her as a mother.

For people who are in pain because of estranged relationships, I hope they will fill that void by volunteering at nursing homes, hospitals, homeless shelters or even animal shelters. There are so many lonely people out there. By mending someone else’s broken heart, we can heal our own. – Unwanted Daughter, Self-Fulfilled Adult

Dear Daughter: It’s never too late to make the first move toward mending broken relationships. At the same time, accept the olive branch extended by a former friend or estranged family member, and do your best to start fresh.