Boys of summer return: Major League Soccer back

Our long national nightmare is over – Major League Soccer is back!

Is there anything more excruciating than waiting for a new soccer season to begin? From the last corner kick of the MLS Cup to the first tripping call of a new year feels like an eternity and a half. I wish doctors could invent a pill to just put me to sleep and make those endless weeks of the MLS off-season go by faster.

With MLS’ 11th season finally upon us, compelling questions abound:

Will coach Sigi Schmid turn around the Columbus Crew?

Will the New England Revolution’s chances of returning to the MLS Cup be crippled when several of its starters depart for the World Cup in June?

Will Freddy Adu be a star on the field or stew on the sideline for D.C. United?

Will Commissioner Don Garber investigate, discipline or even suspend B*rry Bonds?

Ever since I can remember, soccer has swayed my heart more than women and wine combined.

Growing up in western Switzerland in the 1960s, I would often think about America and Major League Soccer. We never had a level playing field – it was so hilly in the suburbs of La Chaux-de-Fonds – but we would play futbol after school, on the sandlots near a 7-Eleven, and dream of a day in which we could come to the New World and decide a 1-1 game on penalty kicks.

They call it “the beautiful game,” and with good reason. Is there a more enchanting sight in all of sport than the New York Red Bulls’ Youri Djorkaeff dribbling toward midfield? Who doesn’t delight in watching Colorado Rapids coach Fernando Clavijo make a late-game substitution? Where in the world would you rather be on July 4 than Rice-Eccles Stadium when Chivas USA plays Real Salt Lake?

(Column intermission: Walter Ray Williams Jr. tied the late Earl Anthony’s PBA Tour record of 41 titles last week, beating Pete Weber at the Denny’s World Championship, and I missed the historic final moments. Why? Because I was too busy to watch it live and asked my TiVo to tape the program, but the Rutgers-Tennessee NCAA women’s basketball regional final ran long, causing the bowling show to start late and end after the 90-minute window I had recorded. Alas, I can’t fault TiVo – I can only blame myself, and, of course, women’s basketball.)

I am lucky enough to live in the smoggy shadow of the Home Depot Center – a k a “Meadowlands West” – the only MLS stadium that plays host to two teams, the Los Angeles Galaxy and Chivas USA. That means I can go to 32 games a year, if I’m willing to endure the occasional apocalyptic L.A. traffic jam.

But on Opening Day, I stayed home, because I had the best seat in the house watching my favorite thing on TV – soccer.

It’s more than just soccer, it’s MLS.

ABC televised the Chicago Fire-FC Dallas game Saturday in Frisco, Texas. Glancing at the stands, it appeared to be a late-arriving crowd – some, in fact, never arrived – but I was smart enough not to miss a single action-packed, non-commercial-interrupted minute.

It was Oktoberfest in April. If you blinked – and I’m also smart enough not to blink during a soccer match, not while I’m still awake – you would’ve missed FC Dallas going from a 2-1 deficit to a 3-2 lead and snatching the victory.

My only complaint was that pregnant sideline reporter Brandi Chastain – and I’m not complaining that she was pregnant; stuff happens – interviewed ABC “Desperate Housewives” star Ricardo Antonio Chavira while the game was being played. You don’t see Landon Donovan taking a glass of chardonnay out of Bree Van De Kamp’s hand when she’s cooking dinner.

Anyhow, MLS plans to expand to 16 teams by 2010. I hesitate to look too far ahead, but over the next generation I envision a nation of soccer-only stadiums in states red and blue, with Josh Wolff and Alecko Eskandarian bobblehead dolls littering the landscape.

By 2027 or so, I see a 32- or 36-team league.

God, I love the smell of a scoreless tie in the morning.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I keep reading all these e-mails asking about upping the $1.25 cash prize. What you need is corporate sponsorship so readers can be properly compensated. How about having the “Ask The Slouch Giveaway Presented by La-Z-Boy Furniture”? Or an “Ask The Ex” promotion sponsored by U-Haul? Or couldn’t Rolling Rock offer a special line of Couch Slouch pony bottles in honor of its most loyal customer? (Jared Jones; Auburn, Ill.)

A. From your lips to Drew Rosenhaus’ ears.

Q. I understand that Discreet Cat, owned by a United Arab Emirates sheik, may run in the Kentucky Derby. Should Congress start drafting legislation? (Kurt Hirth; Mount Vernon, Va.)

A. This is exactly why we should take that proposed 700-mile fence along Mexico and extend it to all of our borders and coastlines.

Q. What do you think the NCAA should do about so many great poker players leaving college early to go pro? (Greg Abel; Baltimore, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.