Put her feelings above yours

Carolyn! I want you to tell me life will be OK, but I’m not sure I deserve it. There’s this girl, and I love her, and I’ve never been more honest with anyone? Maybe my mother … and that’s great? Right? Here’s the problem: We’ve been “talking” on and off for a year and a half, and she’s always had feelings for me but I was afraid to take the next step and managed to foil everything again, again and again by hooking up.

Things are different now; I’m changed. I’ll put that on everything. She’s changed, too. She says she still has feelings but I’ve “crossed too many lines.”

I have, Carolyn. Can we heal? Will she ever trust me? I’m willing to put in the work. – Sacramento

If you’re sure – and not just sure, but SURE – that your feelings are genuine and you’re not simply obsessing about cookies because you were just told you could never have cookies again, then do the following:

Apologize for abusing her feelings for so long; tell her you love her; say you’ll stop bothering her. Then stop.

It’s the only sure way to demonstrate that you value her feelings over your own, which is the only sure way to demonstrate that you love her, vs. merely wanting her. If she changes her mind, she can find you.

Dear Carolyn: My best friend and I became roommates after college, and I started dating her sister while my roommate continued in a long-term relationship. That relationship has since ended, and we’ve admitted we have feelings for each other. I obviously have to break up with the sister, but is there any way to diplomatically start seeing my roommate? – Va.

Is your roommate even willing to risk her bond with her sister to be with you? This is really her call. If she is, then tell the sister why you’re breaking up with her. Her reaction will tell you what comes next.

Hello: A college friend, “Candace,” and I have gone through ups and downs, discussed what each of us needs out of the friendship and found we both expect different things. Candace thinks a good friendship is not speaking for months, seeing each other and catching up. I think you have to stay in contact in order to understand what’s going on in each other’s lives.

When I’m trying to be honest and choose my words carefully, she tells me I’m condescending and rude. Several of our friends find Candace’s bullying off-putting, but I don’t know how to “divorce” my friend when we have so many mutual friends. – D.C.

So your problem is she’s a bully. And you don’t see enough of her. Check.

Candace is offering you a “good friendship” in which you don’t speak for months at a time. Sounds like you should accept.