Silence can speak volumes

Hi Carolyn: I’ve been living with one of my best friends for almost four years. We get along famously, and I hope I always know her. She’s been dating this guy, “Jim,” since before we moved in, and they have been breaking up and getting back together, fighting in public, playing games, and participating in sundry other unhealthy relationship markers since the day they got together. And for four years, I’ve supported, sympathized, and offered what I feel was good advice (of the “leave him, stop playing games” variety).

But I’m coming to realize there’s no end in sight, and I’m tired of listening and offering my advice when she does the opposite. So I’ve stopped, and I can sense that it frustrates her. I know she understands why, but I feel like I’m turning my back on her. Any final advice I can give her before REALLY tuning out? – Dump Him Already

If you can rally some friends to help you, you can try a Vegas-style “Dump Him Already” stage show, with a brassy orchestra, chorus girls in fruit headdresses and you fired out of a cannon.

You could also try pointing out that some part of her must want things this way or else she wouldn’t keep putting up with it. Four years means it’s time to stop pretending that dumping Jim is the miracle cure. The cure, if she wants it, is for her to address whatever void he fills.

This is assuming she asks your advice. If she doesn’t, then your most powerful statement is silence. It says, “You know how I feel about your drama, so please write me out of it” – with more authority than telling her that ever could.

Dear Carolyn: I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago. He still calls me about three times a day. I want him to move on, but I also want him to be happy, and I don’t want to be the jerk who cuts him off. What should I do? What is the right degree of staying supportive and forcing him to move on with his life and relationships? – Virginia

One way people make sense of, and therefore recover from, a breakup is by talking things over. And over and over and over. Little can force people to move on faster than getting sick of themselves and their grief, so taking at least some of his calls helps you both.

Taking all of them, though, can send him the wrong message and you up a wall; even one a day might delay healing. And taking them indefinitely will become counterproductive. Exactly when you’ll get to that point, it’s hard for me to say, but your gut should be able to tell. Once you get there, it’s important to explain to him what you’re doing and why, right before you stop taking his calls.