Facts don’t quite add up

Hi Carolyn: I can’t believe how upset I am about this – but it’s driving me nuts. My husband’s best friend and my best friend are both at our house a lot. Both of them have just been through a rough time – a parent’s death and a divorce, respectively. Recently they spent a whole day together – just the two of them – and then ended it with a kiss. The next time they saw each other he acted as if nothing had happened. My friend’s upset and hurt.

Normally, I wouldn’t be involved. It’s not my territory, right? But I’m furiously annoyed at him, and I want to throw a fit and revoke his “drop in whenever you want” privileges. What used to seem like a happy friendship now feels like I’m being taken advantage of whenever he eats dinner with us. What’s really weird is I’m not disappointed that they’re not getting together, because that actually seems like a really bad idea. I’m just frustrated and angry at the inconsiderate way he handled the whole thing. I feel like a protective mother. What should I do? My husband is supportive either way. – Frustrated

I can’t believe how upset you are, either, but in a facts-don’t-add-up sense, not a snotty one.

He behaved like a jerk. Agreed. But what he’s done up to this point matters, too. That he has a regular place in your home says he’s someone you like and respect. Meanwhile, grief doesn’t excuse poor judgment, but it can certainly contribute to it, and he might have more anger for himself than anything you can come up with.

These two things, in turn, suggest you’d be comfortable saying “Hey, stop being a jerk to my friend” – and be willing to forgive, assuming he went on to do the right thing.

So I’m thinking either you’ve had your doubts about this friend, or you wrote me before you’d cooled off, or you’re really angry at your husband about something else and the friend is merely his proxy, or you’re in love with the guy yourself, or you need a piece of chocolate. Or, maybe it’s something else from the closet of repressed motivations. (Big closet.)

If you’re really just ticked, though, give your husband a chance to keep his best friend around by giving the guy a chance to make amends. “My friend’s going through a rough time. Would you please try not to make her feel worse?” One bright side – by letting him be a fixture in your house, you have standing to get in his face.