Roommate shopping? Use this handy checklist
The entire community is understandably appalled by recent news of a convicted sex offender living in the basement of a Spokane police officer’s home.
The man has been arrested by the feds on child porn charges. The officer’s role in all this is being investigated.
Yet there may be a much larger issue to this shocking story …
How can we as law-abiding potential landlords prevent this sort of nightmare from happening to us?
After literally minutes of research, I have assembled the following telltale warning signs that the creepy guy living in your basement might actually be a dangerous felon:
“Duct tape and hacksaw keep disappearing from tool room.
“Offers to pay rent with shower sex and cartons of smokes.
“In moment of camaraderie, invites you to autograph ankle monitor.
“Has ex-cellmates over for night of pizza and cavity search.
“Warns everyone not to open deep freezer until he can round up a wheelbarrow and shovel.
“Pulls gun during heated Yahtzee game.
“Leaves for night job wearing ski mask.
“Mail arrives from North American Man/Gerbil Love Society.
“Says tasty chili recipe came from Jeffrey Dahmer.
“Files toothbrush handle into sharp point.
“City raises monthly garbage bill because of “too many empty Sudafed boxes.”
“”L-O-V-E” and “H-A-T-E” knuckle tattoos.
“Posts fliers around neighborhood offering cash reward for missing crack pipe.
“Stands in front of mirror practicing playground pickup lines.
“Brags about being on planning committee for upcoming Kevin Coe release party.
“Asks your wife what cleanser she’d recommend for large stubborn bloodstain in a car trunk.
“Uses Post Office wanted poster for check-cashing ID.
“Can lecture for hours on virtues of black tar heroin versus Mexican brown.
“Invites family down to see stolen panty collection.
“Wants to be called by nickname “the decapitator.”
“Latest batch of toilet tank wine has earthy overtones and hint of cherry.
“Appearances on “America’s Most Wanted” have totally gone to his head.
“Named “junkie of the month” by needle exchange.
“Often recites Miranda warning in loud, sarcastic tone.
“Offers to make your clunker car disappear for a piece of the insurance action.
“Logs hours of computer time making new friends on Aryan Brotherhood chat room.
“You offer him a beer. He offers you his glue rag.
“Asks if you would hide his machete “until the heat blows over.”
“Always reminiscing about good ol’ days back in the stir.
“A Charlie Manson keeps leaving messages on the answering machine.
“Won’t stop bellyaching about “them lousy screws.”
“Mournful harmonica music emanating through floorboards at night.
“Tells cautionary tale about a guy who, alas, REALLY DID bend over to grab the soap.
“Every girlfriend he gets just up and disappears.
“Claims Eddie Ray Hall was framed – all 50 times.
“Barbecue speciality: Silence of the Lamb Chops.
“Track marks. Track marks. Track marks.