Parents need to keep score

It’s not easy being a dad these days. I often have to rise soon after the kids do, help get them at least partially dressed, maybe serve a quick breakfast, drive off to work and then come home to read them a bedtime story. It’s really exhausting.

Are you buying any of this? Neither does my stay-at-home wife.

But that doesn’t stop me from trying. Because, like many married couples with children, we like to play the Martyr Game.

It goes like this: When the signal is given – usually at the end of the day, when the baby is caked in orange goo and his sisters are shrieking accusations at each other – both parents start making a case for why they deserve a break from, say, doing the dishes.

“Man, you won’t believe the day I had at work today,” I might say, as the 5-year-old runs by in a Pocahontas wig.

My wife will arch her weary eyebrows and say, “Were you allowed 5 minutes to go to the bathroom by yourself? Because I wasn’t.” At which point the baby will burp on the rug and the 5-year-old, who, I now notice, is soaked from the shoulders down and sporting a temporary (I hope) tattoo, runs by the other way, older sister in hot pursuit, yelling “GIVE THAT BACK! IT’S MINE!”

My wife usually wins these contests.

But because I care about treating her fairly, and because I want to get out of doing dishes as often as possible, I recently thought what couples need is a set of rules for the Martyr Game.

Specifically, I thought a universal scoring system might clarify things. The points leader at the end of each day is declared Most Martyred and gets to opt out of the least-pleasant task of the moment or, optionally, have their portrait painted by a Renaissance artist to hang in the Vatican.

Want to try it? Let’s start.

Responding to child in the night: One point. (You must actually leave the bed and not just call out, “Go back to sleep!”)

Responding to “accidents” in the night: One point per soiled item.

Responding to any illness that involves digestive tract: Five points per hour.

Taking out the trash: One point.

Picking up the trash your spouse set out that got torn into by a wild animal: Three points.

Laundry, per load washed: One point.

Folding it, too: Another point.

Giving up a weekend day to spend with in-laws: One point.

Giving up a holiday: Three points. (Unless they are providing free child care at any time.)

Changing a diaper: One point.

A messy one: Two points.

A nuclear blowout in a public restroom: Five points.

Feeding the pet: One point.

Staying home with the kids while your spouse is out partying: 10 points. (You’re due some payback.)

Laughing while marital faults are exposed in a public forum, such as a newspaper column: 15 points.

So, how’d you do?

Wait – hold that thought. I have some dishes to wash.