Forget all hopes of promised gift

Hello, Carolyn: When I graduated from college, my dad and his wife gave me a cash gift that was supposed to (and did) go toward buying myself a used car. Four years later, my sister has graduated and was told by my dad and stepmom that she, too, would get the same gift, for the same purpose. Six months have passed, and she still has not received the gift. It is burning a hole in her, and she doesn’t know what to do or how to bring it up. I hoped you could offer some advice. – J.

It’s not a cash gift, but here goes:

Drop it. Surrender all thoughts of asking about the money, and hopes of receiving it.

I say this as a big fan of cash. Cash is nice. Feels nice, smells nice, looks nice, especially in car form, especially when one doesn’t have a car. Or cash.

But your dad and stepmom promised this gift as a way of saying, “We love you, and we’re proud of you” – not, “You need cash, so, uh, here’s some cash.” That’s why your sister, mercifully, hasn’t been able to find the right words to say, “Got the love, guys, but where’s my check?” There just aren’t any.

There are, however, words to explain how this genuinely upsetting nongift is better than cash. (Work with me here.)

Let’s assume Dad and Stepma either forgot to deliver their promise, or are ashamed to admit they aren’t as flush as they thought. By not asking where her money is, your sister is saying to them, wordlessly, that their dignity and/or solvency is more important than any old car. It’s an act of strength and selflessness that she can feel good about for the rest of her life.

Even if I’m wrong and they’re deliberately withholding the gift for some reason, then she can call her forbearance an act of strength and forgiveness – one she can feel good about for the rest of her life.

Either way, it uncouples her sense of accomplishment, her feelings for her parents, her feelings for you, her sense of worthiness and belonging in the family, and her larger sense of worthiness and belonging in the world, from material gain, and hitches them instead to a true – in other words, painful – act of generosity.

Cash is good, but it isn’t that good.

By the way – if you agree with this message enough to pass it along to your sister, may I suggest forwarding, not paraphrasing; I doubt you of the free car are the vehicle she’d choose to tell her how lucky she is. Unless, of course, you’re willing to part with yours.