Cheating never right
Dear Annie: I’ve gotten myself in a real pickle. I’ve been married for 30 years to “Shirley.” Our marriage has been OK, but far from great. Several months ago, I gave in to temptation and had a weekend fling with “Luisa.” I deceived her into thinking I was single and available.
In the six weeks before our weekend together, Luisa and I exchanged more than 200 e-mails. We really shared our hearts and got to know each other. I never intended for it to get as far as it did. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.
After our weekend together, I was overcome with such guilt that I told Luisa the truth about being married. Then I told Shirley about the affair and asked her to forgive my lies and my betrayal. She has. She loves me beyond comprehension.
In most cases, this is where the man is supposed to put the fling behind him and make things right with his wife. It would be easier if he found his wife attractive. Shirley’s not ugly, but I long for more. Luisa is gorgeous. The day I held her in my arms, I fell in love for the first time in my life. I knew when I proposed to Shirley that I wasn’t in love with her, but I figured I’d grow to love her. It hasn’t happened.
Do I follow my heart, throwing away what Shirley and I have spent 30 years trying to build? Or do I follow my head and stay with my wife, miserable, knowing there is somebody out there who is better for me? Please help. – Miserable
Dear Miserable: We sympathize that your marriage is not satisfying, but cheating, especially the premeditated variety, is never right. We also suspect you are more “in lust” than in love with Luisa, although that doesn’t make your feelings less powerful, just less permanent. Do you have children? Even grown, they may not forgive you for hurting their mother. Continue counseling, and should you decide to leave Shirley, be sure to provide for her financial security. She deserves no less.
Dear Annie: Yesterday, my wife and I were invited to an informal get-together. After the entrees, the host started serving wine. My wife was in the bathroom and, considering that she is on medication and shouldn’t drink alcohol, I turned the glass over to indicate that the host shouldn’t waste the wine. The host became upset and told me in a very loud tone that I was being rude. So, Annie, how does someone indicate he doesn’t want wine? – Mystified in Montreal
Dear Montreal: The proper way to indicate that you don’t want wine is to lay your hand above the top of the glass and say, “No, thank you.” Regardless, your host was incredibly rude to berate you at the table.