Carolyn Hax: Without trust, she’s not for you

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been involved with a woman for just about a year. She has a truckload of guy friends. I accepted this at the beginning of the relationship because they were friends she had before meeting me, and I thought eventually they would slowly but surely fall by the wayside. However, that hasn’t happened, and she seems to spend more time with her friends these days than she does with me. I try to keep things in perspective and stay positive about the relationship, but it is starting to wear me down. I never tell her she can’t see her friends, but I always wonder if there isn’t some other extracurricular activity going on. She does spend a lot of time at the bar where they all hang out. She has told me some of the men she hangs with have come on to her.

When we do talk about it, she tells me that she just won’t be as open as she has been about the subject. To me that seems counter to an open and honest relationship. – Shaky in Minnesota

Other things shaky in Minnesota:

“Your reasoning when you entered the relationship. You don’t date people subject to their becoming someone else. People are who they are who they are; when they change, it’s usually on their own initiative, independent of (and often resistant to) pressure or expectations from the outside.

And, I can’t say a woman who’d let her friends “fall by the wayside” would be an improvement. At this stage, you’re the disposable one.

“Your jealousy. She had all these guy friends when she chose you. That means it’s a compliment, not a threat. If she is doing something suspicious, your conversation needs to be about that, not about the general, established-before-you-dated-her fact of her many male friends.

“Her response to your jealousy. Either she continues to be transparent about her friendships and gives you one last chance to deal with it, or she dumps you. The in-between, don’t-ask-don’t-tell option is known as “complete bull.”

If she told you about the come-ons to be honest with you, great, but if it’s to provoke you, that would also be bull. On a stick.

“And finally, your interpretation of her spending more time with her friends. I’m guessing here, obviously, and she may well be getting extracurricular with a guy friend or friends. But it seems equally probable that she’s spending more time with her friends now – and, remember, telling you less about it – because her boyfriend gets on her nerves.

So. Four shaky elements of your relationship, one solution: If you can’t trust her – for whatever reason – to hang with her guy friends, this isn’t the girl for you.