Jim Kershner: Let’s keep the 1970s down for the count

Rocky Balboa is returning to American theaters, which forces me to ask the question: Is it ever a good idea to revive anything from the 1970s?

Some of my younger friends may not remember the 1970s, but I remember them the same way I remember old warts. The 1970s were the decade of Watergate, tight shorts and “Disco Duck.” The 1970s were the decade of Earl Butz, “BJ and the Bear” and “Bridget Loves Bernie.” The 1970s were, in short, the bad hangover that America got from the 1960s.

I am aware that the “Rocky” franchise stretched all the way into 1990, but the original 1976 “Rocky” carries an inescapable 1970s taint. I cannot comment on the relative merits of this new movie, which I will not see until somebody rents a giant Cat bulldozer and physically shoves me into the theater. And I did not actually hate the original “Rocky.” Like the rest of America, I came to love this punch-drunk lug, this simple palooka with a heart so big it dwarfed his very vocabulary. My real concern here is: What else are they going to try to revive from the 1970s?

The mind reels.

“”Bay City Rollers – The Musical” – A hilarious romp through the Scottish lads’ greatest hits. It all builds to a climax in which “Saturday Night” is reprised three times as a giant dance number, with everyone wearing plaid.

“”The Debbie Boone Revival Tour” – In which the wholesome diva once again sings, “You Light Up My Life,” in duet with Ozzy Osbourne.

“”Movin’ On, Part Two” – In which two truckers, bearing a resemblance to Claude Akins and Frank Converse, drive around and talk to each other on cell phones (CB radios being no longer fashionable).

“”Paul McCartney and Wings On Ice” – In which the ex-Beatle skates through arenas all over America, lip-synching to “Hi, Hi, Hi” and “Silly Love Songs.” What’s wrong with that? I’d like to know.

“”Howard Cosell – The Legend and the Toupee” – In which Hal Holbrook tours America in a one-man show consisting of classic fight calls.

“”Mannix: The Movie” – In which George Clooney plays a private eye who drives around in convertibles and gets shot at a lot.

“”Rod Stewart Croaks His Way Through the Great American Songbook” – Oh, sorry, that one’s real.

Well, anyway, you get the idea. There was a lot of schlock out there in the 1970s, and Rocky Balboa was just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes I have trouble describing to people who grew up in the 1980s and 1990s just exactly how execrable the 1970s really were.

Let me read you the following list:

“Tony Orlando and Dawn.

“Gilbert O’Sullivan.

“Terry Jacks.

“C.W. McCall.

“Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots.

Those aren’t merely ‘70s artists. Those are artists who had NO. 1 RECORDS in the 1970s. Here’s what I’m saying: The bar was not set high.

Let me read you another list:

“”You Light Up My Life.”

“”Night Fever.”

“”Tonight’s the Night (Gonna Be Alright).”

“”Shadow Dancing.”

“”Le Freak.”

Those are not just five crummy songs. Those are the TOP FIVE SONGS of the entire 1970s (by decree of Billboard). Here’s what I’m saying: It was a brutal, brutal decade.

So, no, I will not be wallowing in Rocky Balboa nostalgia next weekend. I plan to stay home, pour myself a Rupert Holmes-style pina colada and dream about a ‘70s revival that would truly do that decade justice.

I’m thinking, “Smokey and the Bandit – The Opera.”