Annie’s Mailbox: She keeps her illness a secret

Dear Annie: I am a 23-year-old woman, finishing my last semester at college. I have made some valuable friendships during these past few years, but I cannot tell my friends everything.

I have Crohn’s disease and have had an ileostomy bag since I was 13. In other words, I have no colon and I defecate into a bag on my abdomen. I almost died before this surgery was done, I was so ill. To make matters worse, this drastic surgery was by no means a cure. My Crohn’s can, and has, returned.

As you can imagine, this is hard to talk about, especially with potential dating partners. I have had long periods of time when I literally could not even look at my waist in a mirror. I have a great support group at the United Ostomy Association (uoaa.org), but I have not yet been able to figure out how to tell people about my condition without grossing them out completely.

Any insight you can give would be very appreciated. – Nina in New York

Dear Nina: We sympathize with how difficult this must be for you. You do not need to give the details of your illness to friends. You can simply tell them that you have a chronic illness involving your digestive tract. When you meet someone with whom you may become intimate, however, you will need to talk about the specifics. Be honest without being overly graphic, and approach the subject with as much confidence as you can muster.

There are Internet dating sites for people with Crohn’s, IBS and other such conditions at www.irritatedbeingsingle.com; www.meetanostomate.com; and www.dating.crohnszone.org. (Take the same precautions meeting people at these sites as you would any other.) For additional help and information, try the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America at (800) 932-2423 (www.ccfa.org).

Dear Annie: Our son, a single, well-employed homeowner in his late 30s, lives about a two-hour drive from us. If we visit him, it is expected that we will get a hotel at our expense, even though he has a three-bedroom home. We alternate paying for meals at restaurants. When he visits us, he expects to get our spare bedroom, plus all meals, either home-cooked or in restaurants.Any comment? – Hotel Dad

Dear Hotel Dad: Children often consider their parents’ home their own, so it doesn’t surprise us that your son expects free room and board when he visits. It would be nice if he reciprocated, but you can’t force him. You can turn the tables and insist he stay in a hotel, but your wife is not likely to go along. Try to be content that he pays for half your meals.