Small-town life like glass house

Dear Annie: I am a 20-year-old woman, and I have been dating a most wonderful young man for the past four months. We have a good relationship, but there is a situation that keeps coming up that I never know how to handle tactfully.

I live in a small town, and whenever we go out anywhere – restaurants, parties, church, school – people feel it is their business to inquire if we are getting married. I have no idea what prompts them to ask us this question. There is no ring, and we have not been together for a terribly long time. We have been hearing, “So, are you two going to get married?” since our second date.

Maybe we ought to just do it, since the whole town seems to think it’s a good idea, but I would like to get to know him a bit better. More importantly, before agreeing to marry someone, I’d like to have an actual proposal from him – one that’s his own idea, and not a response to nosy, rude people.

I don’t know how to reply to this question. Once I said, “Well, not today,” but that’s the best I could manage. My boyfriend, of course, says nothing, which I think is very smart of him. – Not Engaged Yet

Dear Not Engaged: This is one of the hazards of living in a small town where everyone knows you and expects to know your business. You’d best learn to react with grace and humor. Like your boyfriend, you can smile and say nothing, forcing the busybodies to keep asking, which makes them sound idiotic. Or you can reply, “I promise to let you know,” and change the subject immediately.

Dear Annie: I recently gave my youngest granddaughter a gift card and a complete scrapbooking kit for her birthday. The total worth was around $100.

That same night, I got a call from my son saying he and his wife felt the gift was mean-spirited and that I did not spend enough money. After all, I gave their other daughter a complete nursery when she gave birth to my first great-grandchild, and we helped another son buy a condo.

I felt that the birth of a first great-grandchild was a momentous occasion, and that helping our son buy his first condo was another, and I cannot see the correlation between a birthday and these other major events. But since then, none of them has spoken to us.

Our hearts are breaking. What, if anything, is the solution? – Grieving

Dear Grieving: What nerve. Your son’s family sounds greedy and selfish. Of course an ordinary birthday is not on the same level of gift-giving as a first great-grandchild or a first condo. Birthdays come every year, and no one can afford to splurge like that for every occasion.

Write your son a letter and apologize. Tell him you understand he wants you to treat each of his children exactly the same, no matter what, and from now on, you will. Then be sure not to spend a dime over $100 regardless of the event (and we think that’s plenty generous as it is).