Kids have precedent for presidential ignorance

Monday was Presidents Day, the holiday where millions skip school and work in honor of the Father of our Country – Uncle Sam – and former presidents, like Ben Franklin and President Carver.

Those are a few of the creative responses I obtained while administering my Presidents Day “Mystery History Quiz” to a dozen young patriots.

My test consisted of five bits of Americana every teenager should know:

1. Why is there no school today?

2. Name the presidents whose heads are carved on a mountain.

3. Who is known as the Father of our Country?

4. If George W. Bush is president today, who is the commander in chief?*

5. Whose face is on the dime?

The answers are: 1. Presidents Day; 2. Washington, Jefferson, (Teddy) Roosevelt and Lincoln; 3. George Washington; 4. George W. Bush; 5. FDR.

(*”Dick Cheney with a shotgun” is an acceptable answer.)

So what I was trying to prove by this?

Making teenagers look dumb is even more fun than watching Olympic ice dancers fall on their firm behinds.

That’s why so many people go into teaching.

This test was also about the ability to regurgitate facts, the foundation of the American educational system and many popular game shows.

My test was conducted under strict scientific conditions, if you consider hollering at a teenager in a Safeway parking lot scientific.

While driving into Safeway I saw this lanky boy who looked like an ideal test subject. I pulled into a parking slot, got out of my car and said, “Hey, kid.”

He kept walking.

I yelled louder, “Hey, KID!”

Nothing.

I had to run in front of him and wave my arms to get noticed. Fortunately, he didn’t yell for a cop. He instead yanked out a pair of ear buds and told me he had been listening to “The String Cheese Incident.”

I told you he was an excellent subject.

Chris, 16, then proceeded to respond to my test as follows:

1. School was out because it was a parent/teacher planning day. 2. The mountain heads are George Washington and President Carver. 3. Ben Franklin is the nation’s daddy. 4. George W. Bush is commander in chief. (Hooray, a right answer!) 5. That’s President Carver on the dime.

I felt an immediate connection to Chris. Keeping a mind free from the clutter of useless knowledge requires discipline and dedication. I know. This is the kind of young man who could grow up to become a columnist.

Test results were more encouraging at the Spokane Valley Mall.

Each young person I spoke with knew it was Presidents Day. Not to sound cynical, but all the Presidents Day sales going on may have had something to do with this.

The group was more academic, but nobody got a 100.

Matt, 16, put Andrew Jackson and Ben Franklin on Rushmore, for example. He had Uncle Sam as the Father of our Country and thought the vice president was commander in chief. He didn’t offer a guess on the dime.

Ashley, 18, had John Adams on Rushmore, to name one of her misses.

Lucas, 17, came close to acing the quiz. He left Jefferson off Rushmore and thought Ben Franklin was our symbolic father. He was, however, the only person who knew Roosevelt was on the dime.

But to be honest, does it really matter whose mug is on a dime? You can’t buy anything with it, anyway.

Truth is, I don’t really care about any of this stuff. I just was sore about having to work on Monday. I wanted to spread some misery on a few of the lucky stiffs who got the day off.

So happy Presidents Day, one and all. And God bless President Carver, whoever he is.