Ask if she honestly wants to save marriage

Thu., Feb. 23, 2006

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar The Spokesman-Review

Dear Annie: My wife, “Tori,” and I have been married for 18 years and have two sons, ages 12 and 14. Eleven years ago, Tori announced that she wanted to quit her job and attend medical school. Reluctantly, I agreed, even though both my sons were still in diapers and this meant putting them in day care. Tori would leave for school at 7 a.m. and return after 9 p.m. On weekends, she would study at the library. In addition to my full-time job, I was responsible for most of the housework.

After Tori received her degree, we moved to a small town for her residency. I had to quit my job in order to move, so I went back to college to finish the MBA I had been working on before all this happened.

Every day, I drive to classes 70 miles away. Our personal relationship held up during Tori’s six years of medical training, but now that the tables are turned, she has begun to criticize me for my decision to pursue my degree. At times, she becomes verbally abusive and tells me how worthless I am because I don’t have a job. She even says this in front of our sons. I am trying to figure out why she is so angry.

We have gone to family counseling at her request, but she becomes a different person when we are there, and nothing ever gets accomplished in these sessions. Do you have any other ideas? I hope you can print my letter because she reads your column every day. – Harried in North Dakota

Dear Harried: We’re not sure what Tori’s problem is, but it’s possible that the two of you have grown in opposite directions. Ask Tori if she wants to salvage the marriage, because the arguments and verbal abuse are eroding it rather effectively. You have two children who need their parents to work this out, and hiding the problem in front of a counselor is counterproductive. Tori needs to be honest, even if it hurts. If she cannot do this, please seek counseling on your own.

Dear Annie: Thank you for publishing the letter from “Still Trying in Pennsylvania,” who wanted to quit smoking. Millions of people around the country are still trying to quit. For the first time ever, more people in the United States are former smokers than current smokers. Only about one in five adults smokes.

Please let your readers know that there is a Nationwide Consortium of Telephone Quitlines. Anyone in the United States can call (800) QUIT-NOW (800-784-8669) for free counseling over the phone. Also, the National Cancer Institute offers all sorts of resources at www.smokefree.gov. Thanks for getting the word out. – Dover, N.H.

Dear Dover: OK, smokers, put those butts out and call now. Just do it.

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