It’s time to tip a cold one to the finer things in life

I love my new refrigerator, yet not for the obvious reasons (it keeps my beer cold).

I love it because all I had to do was buy it and plug it in. That’s all.

Do you know how unusual this is? Do you have any idea how blessedly simple this is, in a world of cell phones, digital cameras and remote control Venetian blinds?

Frankly, I was a little worried that a refrigerator would have succumbed to the modern disease and included an instruction manual that went something like this:

Opening your refrigerator – Enter your six-digit password and then press the “Prepare to Access” button until the “Ready” light begins to flash. Once the “Ready” light flashes, you have 30 seconds to open your refrigerator, access the interior and close it again. Upon opening door you should notice a cool draft and possibly a bad clam smell (depending on contents).

Extended access – If you require more than 30 seconds to access the interior, press and hold the “Prepare to Access” button for five seconds until the beep sounds and the display flashes “Extended Late Night Rummaging Mode.” You may then stick your head in the door for longer periods or even kneel in front of it if necessary, although after five minutes the siren will sound and OnStar will notify the police.

Food Mode – Identify the various food modes that you wish to cool. If you wish to cool an item in the fruit mode, place the item in the fruit mode basket and then press the “Fruit Mode” icon, unless the item you wish to cool is of the “Tropical Fruit” sub-mode in which case you should press the “Papaya” symbol. If your food mode item is long and slender and yellow, please remove it from the refrigerator immediately, as it may be a banana and bananas will void your warranty.

Patented Leftover Management System ™ – Your new refrigerator has the latest food control system which will ensure that leftovers do not remain in your food storage location for more than one calendar year. Place items on the Automatic Leftover Shelf and immediately enter the current date on the numerical keypad. The Tupperware Conveyor ™ will activate, slowly moving the food in a leftward (northward) direction for 365 days until the food item is deposited in the Chipper-Shredder Apparatus. For more sensitive leftovers – including but not limited to herring, smelt, German cheeses and items you foraged at low tide – you may press the “Accelerated” icon on the keypad, which will cause the Tupperware Conveyor ™ to move at speeds of up to 30 mph.

Freezer Mode – Your refrigerator has a special compartment called “the freezer,” which reaches temperatures below 0 Celsius (Canadian). Simply enter your freezer password and place items on shelf. Do not place carbonated drinks or household pets in freezer. This will cause the in-freezer Martini Dispenser ™ to have an off-flavor.

Exiting the refrigerator – Simply close the refrigerator door until it attains a closed-appearing state. Call the 1-800 number and change your password after each usage.

Well, thank heavens refrigerators remain the last of the simple appliances. Just now, I merely walked into the kitchen and accessed my refrigerator without first scrolling through any menu items whatsoever.

Guess what? My beer got cold all by itself. Now that’s what I call high technology.