Whatever would you do without me?

Join me, if you will, in the national campaign to eradicate “whatever.”

In its most pernicious form, this word is teen-speak to convey the following message: “I think I saw your mouth, like, moving. Go away and leave me alone forever. Dad.”

This meaning of “whatever,” with the inflection on the “ever,” has already been thoroughly condemned by far more influential cultural critics than myself.

Recently, the New Yorker magazine advanced the theory that Russell Crowe threw a telephone at that hotel clerk not because the clerk failed to help him, but because the clerk uttered the magic word. After Crowe had explained his problem in placing a call, the clerk apparently muttered, “Whatever.”

If I were on a jury, I might have ruled that to be a case of justified phone-tossing.

However, I want to eradicate “whatever” in some of its milder, yet equally annoying forms as well. Here are a few other ways that people habitually use “whatever”:

As an all-purpose run-on – “So I went to the gym and worked on my delts and lats and whatever, and then I stopped at Zip’s on the way home and picked up some Whammies and whatever for dinner or whatever.”

As an admission of ignorance – “So I’ve been watching TV about all of those people who got hit by that, like, sudamami or whatever, in India or Indonesia or Indiana or whatever.”

As a form of passive acceptance – “So, he went, ‘Do you want to go see “Blood Rayne”? And I was like, ‘Whatever,’ and he went, ‘Great! Let’s go!’ “

I do not believe it is fair to take “whatever” away from Americans without offering some alternatives, so here are a few options for replacing “whatever” in our vocabularies:

All-purpose run-on – Try using “et cetera,” or “so on” or “so forth.” You can use them in a sentence like this: “So I went to the gym and worked on my pecs and triceps and et cetera, and then I went to Zip’s and picked up some fries and so forth and then I spent the rest of the day just, you know, so on and so forth.”

Admission of ignorance – Try using “something like that” or maybe, “of that ilk” or “in that general area.” Here’s an example: “So I’ve been watching on TV about those people who got hit by that edamami or something like that, in Indianapolis or somewhere in that general area and it got me to thinking that we should, like build some stronger levees or taller beaches or things of that ilk.”

Passive acceptance – A number of phrases suit the purpose, including, “Six of one,” or “Don’t matter none,” or “Whatever floats your boat.” Here’s an example, “So he says to me, ‘Do you want to see “Blood Rayne”? And I go, ‘Don’t matter none,’ and he says, ‘Great! Want to go to the 7 p.m. or 10 p.m.?’ And I go, ‘Six of one’ and he says, ‘And we should get some Chinese before we go,’ and I’m like, ‘Whatever floats your little dinghy.’ ”

Complete dismissal – Try using something with some class, such as “How utterly quaint,” or, “What an intriguing notion.” Employ them like this: “So my dad says, ‘Make sure you’re in by 11 p.m.’ and I go, ‘How utterly quaint!’ and he says, ‘And don’t you think that skirt is too short?’ and I’m all, ‘What an intriguing notion, father! I’ll take it under consideration! Bye!’ “

I admit, after looking hard at some of these alternatives, “whatever” doesn’t sound quite so bad. After all, it has been a perfectly good word throughout history, with a provenance that goes back to the 13th century.

I believe we can be perfectly justified in using “whatever” in its formal, original meanings, by which I mean as an interrogative expressing perplexity or wonder; as an emphatic variant of “what”; or as an adjective expressing any amount of degree or type.

Or et cetera, et cetera, so on and so forth.