Abused friend needs support
Dear Annie: My friend, “Giselle,” has a husband who is emotionally and physically abusive. At the moment, Giselle has a black eye, a huge gash on her arm and a red mark around her neck. She’s told me story after story of his abuse, which has gone on for six years. And did I mention he does this in front of their 2-year-old daughter?
I finally hit rock bottom with my tolerance and told Giselle if she doesn’t do something to get her child out of this sick relationship, I will. She’s begged me not to tell anyone, but I worry. I told her I am no longer going to her house, and I have a hard time remaining friends with her while she stays with this abusive man.
Her family has bribed her with money to leave her husband, promising to support her and the child. But she defends him, saying, “He wasn’t feeling good that day,” or “He was aiming for the wall when he punched me and didn’t mean to give me a black eye.”
I am tired of it. He cheats on her, beats her and nothing is bad enough to be a deal breaker. She’s only 25 and the sole breadwinner. I am out of things to say to her. Please help. – Friend in Need
Dear Friend: The dynamic between a victim and abuser is complicated. Giselle’s self-esteem is so low that she believes she is at fault, that she doesn’t deserve better, and that her life would be worse without him. That’s why she makes excuses for his behavior and stays. We know it is frustrating, but please don’t abandon her. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org) at (800) 799-SAFE (800-799-7233), and ask what you can do to help.
Dear Annie: I have been with my husband, “Dennis,” for five years. The first few years were great, sexually. He did everything a woman would want. Then he stopped.
Over the past year, he has lost any spark of passion, and sex has become a dull, boring routine. We are intimate once a week, and it lasts less than 10 minutes. I have told Dennis our sex life is boring and I would like variety. I have even bought toys and videos and planned romantic evenings, but he goes out of his way to make sure one of the kids is home, so it doesn’t pan out.
He is only 37. I don’t know what to do. – Regretting my Marriage in Oregon
Dear Oregon: It may be unrealistic to expect Dennis to continue to romance you at the level he did when you first married. Few men understand how much this can mean to their wives, and even fewer will go to the trouble. Ask him to get a complete physical to rule out any medical problems, and then tell him your marriage is in serious trouble and you want him to come with you for counseling. If he refuses, go without him.