Carolyn Hax: No ways around the truth
Hi Carolyn: I’m 29 and, since graduating from college, have had a tumultuous back-and-forth relationship with a guy who started off as a close friend, became a lover, refused to acknowledge the new status of our relationship to any of our other friends (to this day, no one knows about this), and periodically drops out and reappears in my life. We’ve gone years without communicating, only to show up at a mutual friend’s party or bump into each other on the street, and the attraction is just unbelievable. We’re the type of friends who can pick up where we left off, even if it’s been two years since we’ve seen each other. He knows me well. He completes my sentences. He is tender and affectionate and makes me laugh my butt off. Both of us have had relationships over the years, but nothing serious. The problem is this: He is completely comfortable with our situation, and I used to be, too. But in the past couple of years, I’ve come away from our intermittent encounters feeling very sad. He refuses to attempt a stable, ongoing, romantic relationship. I’m torn between feeling like a doormat and feeling like I want to rip his clothes off every time I see him. Grim. – Baltimore
When I see a bag of tortilla chips, I want to rip its clothes off, too, but knowing how I’ll feel afterward is (usually) deterrent enough. I’m not 15 anymore, and neither are you. Indulging in the short-term without regard for the long-term consequences just costs a body too much. You know this, you know you need relationships that make you feel good for more than a day. You just want your bag of chips, too – naturally, since he gives you familiarity and excitement, two things that don’t normally coexist – so you’re looking for ways around the truth. There aren’t any. I’m sorry.
Carolyn: If a girl is truly interested in a guy, would she avoid starting a real (official, with titles) relationship with him just to hold onto the option of seeing other men? It seems to me that if a woman found a man she thought was perfect for her, she wouldn’t want to take the chance of losing him. A person’s need to hang onto “freedom” only suggests that she’s not serious about any one person. Right? Am I overanalyzing? – Don’t Wanna Waste My Time
It seems to me that if a man found a woman he thought was perfect for him, he wouldn’t blackmail her into committing by accusing her of wanting to be with other men.
People can have great reasons for postponing commitment that have nothing to do with wanting to keep their options open. They can also be honorable about wanting to keep their options open.
If none of these applies, then maybe she is a “waste” of your time. But withholding judgment till you know the truth rarely turns out to be one.