Annie’s Mailbox: Ex-wife’s calls an issue

Dear Annie: My fiance and I have been together for three years. “Tom” is a wonderful man. Our only problem is his ex-wife, “Bertha.”

Bertha and Tom have been divorced for five years, and she remarried two years ago. I make every effort to get along with her, but she is very controlling and has tried everything possible to break us up.

Bertha calls Tom at least five times a week. They have a daughter together, and I know that requires communication. I talk to my ex once a week. But Bertha tells Tom he must always take her calls in case there is an emergency with their daughter. When he’s not home, she leaves a message saying, “Call me back,” but with no details, so Tom always has to phone her immediately, just in case it’s important. It rarely is.

I have asked Tom repeatedly to limit these calls to once or twice a week. When we are together, he silences his ringer or doesn’t answer his phone. However, from things that come up in our conversations, I know they are still talking quite a bit.

Bertha is way too involved in our lives. Am I being unreasonable? – Frustrated Fiancee

Dear Frustrated: No, but if Tom thinks he needs to speak to his ex several times a week, that is up to him. If he didn’t want the constant contact, it would end. It’s possible Bertha is using these calls to keep Tom involved in his daughter’s life, but if he is an attentive parent, it sounds more like manipulation and a way to prove that she still matters. Decide how big an issue it is, since Tom is not likely to set the limits you want.

Dear Annie: I had to respond to “Damned in Detroit” because it hit very close to home. He said there was no affection or intimacy in his marriage. He was so depressed he hoped for a heart attack in his sleep.

I’ve been married for 11 years. I love my wife, but there is no affection. I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about the hugging, the kissing, the reaching out to let you know you are wanted. At times she is receptive, but God forbid I interrupt her favorite TV show. When I try to hug her, she says, “Why are you being such a pest?” We don’t sleep in the same room because of my snoring, so I go to bed alone.

I know marriage is hard work, but I wonder, if this is what it’s like after 11 years, what will it be like in 20? Do I want to live like this for rest of my life? The more I think about it, no, I really don’t. – Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Jacksonville: We cannot understand a woman who withholds tenderness from her husband, the person she presumably loves and cherishes. How terribly sad.