She likes roommate; get over it

Hi Carolyn: I really liked this one girl, “Jane.” We met at a party a while back, and we were more or less just friends. We spent a lot of time together, and I really began to have romantic feelings for her – without wanting things to get too serious. I told her this, and we talked a lot about “us,” and I got the impression that she liked me, too.

She ended up really liking my roommate, “Dick,” and was less than honest to me about that. He called me the other day to ask me how I felt about things getting more serious between them – something I feel is a downright betrayal since he is supposed to be my friend. I told him to go for it because I felt that I would just be selfish to try to prevent this.

Nonetheless, I’m sure you could imagine that I still feel hurt by my friend, tossed aside out of convenience, etc. At this point, I don’t even want to see or talk to either of them – him for offering this up to me as if that makes it better, and her for going after my friend. To have it happen like this is unbearable. What do you think? – Help a Boy in Trouble

How would you have had it go down? She falls for your roommate but … gives you a play-by-play? Suppresses her feelings to please you? Goes out with you anyway? Disappears from both of your lives in a triumph of self-sacrifice?

And your roommate falls for her but … pretends not to be interested in her, out of friendship for you?

These may all be a little easier on you – given that they spare you the torture of watching someone else love the girl you love – but they also keep two people, who fell for each other innocently, apart. And whom does that ultimately serve?

The truth is, there is no bearable way for something like this to happen. But it does happen, and you can’t stop it, and, maybe worst of all, you can’t even blame someone for it.

Sure, you can quibble with the way she said this or he said that. But (my apologies, I know you don’t want to hear this) they’re in a tough spot, too.

You, for your own part, try to be unselfish, and instead you’re just insincere; you “gave” Dick your blessing, but you didn’t. Not really.

In fact, what you all are is pretty much the same: people with the wrong feelings at the wrong time.

So. Crawl into a hole, nurse your wounds, avoid whom you need to avoid. Just don’t assign blame to your friends that properly rests with fate. That’s just bitterness, and the wounds it creates are always the slowest to heal.