Tell Me About It: Pair should learn relationship skills

Fri., July 21, 2006

Carolyn Hax The Spokesman-Review

Dear Carolyn: I have been seeing the most amazing man for almost two years now. A couple of months ago I was going through all of my old letters and cards that I have saved since sixth grade, from family members, friends, ex-boyfriends. My boyfriend noticed me hiding one of them in the pile, and he stated that I looked at him, then the letter, then hid the letter. He got very upset and has been hurt ever since. He keeps saying that I owe him an explanation, but I have told him numerous times that I save my memories and they don’t mean anything to me. I have since thrown away all of my cards and letters to prove to him how much I love him.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He has now been sleeping in our spare room. He also stated that I will never get another card or letter from him again. He used to give them to me at least twice a week, even little love notes in my lunch before work. I have tried so many times explaining to him what happened, but he does not listen. How do I convince him he has nothing to worry about? Why is he doing this to us? I will do anything to save this relationship. – Portland

He isn’t serious about ending the relationship, or he would have ended it.

So that’s your cue to stop choosing your words, guiding your actions and selling your soul out of desperation to save your relationship.

Instead, choose your words and actions based on a need to face the problem. Beginning with your behavior over that fateful pile. Did you in fact hide a letter? You say a whole lot without actually denying that you did. And if you did hide it, you’re two months overdue to own up.

Your boyfriend, meanwhile, is at least two months overdue to grow up. You’ll never get another card from him again? Did he script this drama during study hall?

I don’t mean to mock people in pain. It’s just that you’re in an adult relationship without adult relationship skills, both of you, throwing big gestures at each other – trashing mementos, sleeping apart, making threats – in lieu of just saying what you mean and doing what you say.

Please use this collapse as incentive to develop these skills. He needs to swear off theatrics and figure out: what he needs from you to get satisfaction; whether it’s even possible to get; and, if not, whether he can trust you without it. Then he needs to make up his mind, stay or go.

You need to hand him every last bit of the truth – or make it clear that you already have, and are through explaining – and then remind yourself that he either trusts you enough to get past this, or there’s nothing between you to save.

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