Carolyn Hax: Wife touches those she talks to
Carolyn: My wife is extremely gregarious and has a habit of touching almost anyone she talks to, and obviously this includes men. She will put her hand on their hands, forearms, shoulders, etc. Yesterday it was four guys, two of whom we just met. Although I believe she does this innocently enough, I also know it tends to create undue interest in her. Sometimes the man reciprocates the touching, and in one recent situation a guy contacted her trying to set up a secret meeting at a bar. She told me about it, which I appreciate, and, yes, she always has been this way and I knew what I was getting, but it has been slowly grinding away at me. She thinks I am just jealous. There is no way I believe she is doing anything more than this, but it still bothers me. – Perplexed
When you keep a running tally of the number of men she touches per day, it doesn’t just “bother” you.
I also don’t think “just jealous” covers it, either.
To figure out what does cover it, you’re going to need to figure out what exactly gets under your skin. Is it that she’s allowing other men to think you’re a fool? Or that she’s inviting other men to think that?
It’s not a fine line between them. One says you’re the problem, and the other says she is.
That she’s touchy with women, too, suggests her manner is innocent, but you apparently aren’t convinced. You “believe” it’s “innocent enough,” which isn’t the same as radiating confidence. That she blames your concerns on you can’t be of much help.
Until you are convinced – one way or the other, that her behavior is innate or intentional – I believe you’re going to have that exact question knocking around in your mind. Grinding indeed.
To answer the question, look at her whole character, not just the touching thing. No doubt it’s an answer you’ve known all along (but maybe would rather not hear, since it means either you’re being a weenie, or you married one).
And if it is an affectation, then you might – might – break through her jealousy accusation by explaining how her fly-and-honey act makes you feel.
Whichever conclusion you draw, however, unless it triggers an epiphany – in her, that she is being careless, or in you, that you want out of the marriage – the “action” you take will be exactly what you’ve done all along: Know she’s this way, know you can’t stop it, know it’s an extension of something you love about her. Sometimes, just knowing you know this can help.