She comes from family of bullies

Dear Carolyn: I have been dating Phillip for eight months. I am 29, 5-foot-10, and the smallest person in my immediate family. He is 5-foot-6 and looks a lot younger than his age (30). Yet, he is my soul mate.

Even though I told my family Phillip was small and looked young, they were shocked when they saw him. They immediately started to tease and play jokes on him; he reacted very well and laughed. More than once he looked at me, but I said nothing. I have always been a little intimidated by my parents (long story).

After a full day, Phillip told them nicely that he was getting tired of being a target. My family stopped for about 20 minutes and then started again.

Also, he had been reluctant to meet my family because he felt he would be a burden; he is a strict vegetarian because of a digestive problem. I convinced him that my family would not mind. My brother and his wife brought a casserole over they said was vegetarian. Another joke on him! Twenty minutes later Phillip had stomach cramps; 10 minutes later we called the ambulance. The casserole had meat in it.

My family feels really terrible about what happened. They blame Phillip and me for not explaining his dietary restriction but offered to pay the co-insurance for his medical bills. He turned down the offer, saying he blames himself for staying when my family was abusive. That remark really hurt me. That’s not my family. He then told me that he expected his life partner would defend and protect him and that he lost respect for me. I think he is unforgiving, and he says I need to get my head out of the fog. – R.C.

He’s 5-foot-6, “yet” he is your soul mate?

Run, Phillip, run.

“Abusive” is your family exactly. It’s a breeding ground for bullies. You don’t seem domineering yourself – maybe because you’ve been bullied by everyone else. But while you admit to being intimidated by your parents, you aren’t able to admit to yourself yet that taunting someone is oppressive, deciding which diet restrictions to respect is arrogant, and mocking someone’s genetic outcome is just cruel – and that these represent the values you call home.

It’s notoriously hard to see one’s family clearly. It can take time, trauma, both; it can elude you in spite of these. It can be painful. Obviously – you love these people.

But when your myopia causes obvious anguish, it’s time to get your head out of your fog. I think Phillip has shown willingness to forgive just by giving you a chance to grow up and see his point. Now grow up and see his point. (An apology would be swell, too.) Just be careful; bullies are your comfort zone. You don’t want to break with one only to serve another.