Leave it to the youngsters to turn vacation into horror stories

As part of our continuing effort to understand the hopes, the dreams and, especially, the nightmares of Young People These Days, I would like to present the following Very Special Column Episode.

I must stipulate that this is also part of my continuing effort to get other people to write my column for me. The following topic was brainstormed and written by the students in my humor-writing class at Satori Camp, a summer camp at Eastern Washington University for gifted high schoolers and middle schoolers. (Check the end of the column for a complete list of names.)

Their assignment was to help their fellow teenagers figure out whether they were having fun this summer or not. So the students of Satori hereby present:

“You Know You’re Having a Lousy Summer Vacation If …”:

“ The only CD for your five-day family road trip is, “Yodel With Barney.”

“ The counselors stop counting your ticks at 37.

“ Your summer camp is called “Guantanamo Bay.”

“ The airline routes your baggage to Yugoslavia – which no longer exists.

“ You find yourself thinking, “Only 60 days left until school.”

“ Your bunkmate has never heard of a shower.

“ The airline lists your layover as “Baghdad.”

“ All your cable channels are locked out except the “Teletubbies Unlimited” channel.

“ Your summer camp is called “Boot Camp.”

“ The counselors at Camp The-End-Is-Near start handing out the grape Kool-Aid.

“ You get locked in the outhouse – and the wasps are pissed.

“ Your trip to Paris turns out to be a trip to Parris Island.

“ You win a trip around the world – departure date “July 32nd.”

“ Your dad wakes you up at 6:30 a.m., yelling, “Road trip!”

“ The highlight of your summer is the 10-hour car ride home.

“ Your mom runs out of the garage yelling, “I found the karaoke machine!”

“ The camp lunch lady is wearing a Hannibal Lecter T-shirt – and the special of the day is “Fava Beans with Mystery Meat.”

“ On the second day of summer vacation, a letter arrives announcing the switch to year-round school.

“ Your parents want to spend quality family time at a Michael McDonald concert.

“ Your summer camp is called “Character Building Gulag.”

“ Your parents accompany you to the Snoop Dogg concert – and your dad rips off his shirt and dances onstage.

“ One hour into your trip, your little sister says, “Never mind. I don’t need the rest area anymore.”

“ Your parents hand you a brochure for “a scenic summer season on the shores of Alcatraz.”

“ Your summer camp is called “Fantasy Croquet Camp.”

“ All your cable channels are locked out except Nickelodeon, which is airing a “Dora the Explorer” marathon.

“ Your summer camp is called “The Britney Spears Fan Camp.”

“ One hour into the road trip, your little sister says, “Pass me the … never mind. Your suitcase caught it.”

And finally, you might be having a really lousy summer vacation if:

“ Your summer camp is called “Bladder Training Camp.”

Many thanks to the following students: Alison Price of Colville; Rixana Jopson of Newman Lake; Caitlin Foster of Cheney; Samantha Palmer of Tacoma; Grant Eadie of Spokane; Kurt DeGraaf of Vancouver, B.C.; Connor Shirley of Liberty Lake; Andrew Jenkins of Mansfield, Wash.; Russell Perry of Tonasket, Wash.; Kelsey Taylor of Cashmere, Wash.; Kelsey Ganes of Mercer Island, Wash.; Riley Quinn of Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario; Alex Koch of Kent, Wash.; Max Packett of Hawaii (the Big Island); and Robbie Finnigan of Spokane Valley.

By the way, I wanted to share the unofficial motto the students came up with for Satori Camp: “Educating the Underslept and Over-Caffeinated Since 1983.”