All the M’s need is a little jolt

Finally, the answer to the Mariners’ problems has been discovered.

It’s not Adrian Beltre learning how to drive in a run.

Or Richie Sexson getting off his .200-something duff.

Or even putting an end to the baserunning blunders you’d find at the local T-ball field.

Through the wonder of two remarkable events the past few weeks, the Mariners have apparently found the answers to their problems.

Last month, it was a 57-minute postgame team meeting after they’d been swept in Oakland. The Mariners responded by winning four straight.

Last week as the Mariners were losing their sixth straight at Texas, one of the nicest guys in the history of the club, Raul Ibanez, snapped in a venom-laced tirade directed at the plate umpire. The M’s, stunned out of their misery, followed that with a 14-5 victory the next day.

So forget extra batting practice and early infield work. What this team needs is a weekly shock treatment. It will take some absolutely bizarre events to keep the Mariners from slipping into a long malaise the rest of the season, but here are a few that just might work for them:

“June 22: The Mariners are shut out by the Angels, and Carl Everett stuns the entire clubhouse by giving credit to the opposing pitchers. Suddenly realizing it’s not just them, the Mariners’ hitters are awash in confidence and score 30 runs the next three games.

“June 29: Joel Pineiro struggles to get out of the first inning against Arizona when Diamondbacks pitching coach Bryan Price, formerly with the Mariners, walks to the mound for a talk. After all these years, Price’s words finally sink in and Pineiro pitches shutout ball the rest of the game. Unfortunately for the Mariners, they’re behind by six runs and can’t catch up.

“ July 9: The Mariners pack their bags to disperse for the All-Star break after three difficult games against the Tigers when manager Mike Hargrove walks into the clubhouse with this shocker: “Men, the league has decided to throw away the records and we’ll start fresh in the second half.”

Much celebrating ensues until Hargrove interrupts: “Sorry, kidding. We still suck, but have a nice break.”

“ July 17: The Mariners arrive in New York for a three-game series against the Yankees and see newspaper stories about “Wicked.” Thinking it’s a description of their offense, self-esteem is ruined before coach Dan Rohn, whose wife teaches classical singing, informs the team that it’s a Broadway musical based on the Wizard of Oz. Only those with a fear of flying monkeys remain affected and the Mariners win the final two from the Yankees.

“ July 27: GM Bill Bavasi appears in Hargrove’s office and says, “Time to pack up and go home to Cleveland, skip.” Hargrove believes he’s been fired before Bavasi says, “No Mike, we play the next three games there.”

“ July 31: The trade deadline passes with no moves by the Mariners. The players who feared being traded loosen up and finally play well, while those who wanted out become “effectively angry.” It leads to a three-game winning streak.

“Sept. 1: In an attempt to focus on a tangible goal, the Mariners post a “magic number” on the clubhouse bulletin board. It’s 29 – the number of games remaining until their miserable season is over.

“Sept 29: The Mariners hold their 100th team meeting and come away finally feeling they’re on the same page. It leads to a three-game sweep of the Rangers in the final series to avoid last place, lending hope that “2007 will be another year.”

That’s a guarantee.