Getting over painful past just takes time

Hi Carolyn: I am 29, and for the past nine months I have been seeing a man, 38, whom I truly love. Four years ago he went through a nasty divorce in which he found out his beloved wife of 12 years was having an affair. They divorced, she has remarried and they share custody of their son.

Every now and then I feel distance between us. The only way to describe it is that he “checks out” on me and I find myself feeling lonely with him. He has trouble making eye contact, almost like he is still very sad. I know the divorce was very painful for him; we have talked about it and he says he has moved on from it, that he loves me and what we have, etc. However, in these moments of “checking out” I find myself getting very stressed and worried that he either is going back in his mind to the marriage or is still getting over the pain. I have asked him about these times, and I don’t think he is even aware of them. He has been to counseling and has said many times how happy he is now that I am in his life.

Does a broken heart ever really heal? Am I just being paranoid? Having never been through anything like he has, I have a hard time understanding it. I wish I could just dive head-first into this relationship and focus on the man instead of worrying about his past. – Confused

People who have been through traumatic things will have moments when they revisit their pain. They will also have moments when they daydream about cheeseburgers.

I think you are thinking too much about these checkings-out. Obviously I haven’t witnessed his and might think otherwise if I had. But getting over something doesn’t mean you just forget a painful time, or the memories stop being painful. The pain just comes less and less frequently, to the point where it’s no longer debilitating.

I would say the same is true of your painful feelings about his previous marriage, but insecurity doesn’t work that way. It tends to grow.

So please face yours now. Decently traveled 38-year-olds are going to have some history. So will 29-year-olds – and unless your mind never revisits your bad breakups (or bad news, or bad decisions, or bad fashion risks), you do understand, on some level, what it’s like to keep going after you’ve been hurt.

I hope you understand well enough also to see that history can be a great thing. No doubt he learned from his, as you surely have from yours. A divorce doesn’t make him some mysterious Other; an ex-wife doesn’t make you an emotional first runner-up; and sometimes, checking out is just what a person does to recharge.

Especially a person who’s under constant, nervous scrutiny for any sign that he does or does not love you.

That said, it could turn out that his way of retreating into himself, for whatever reason, makes you unhappy. That’s certainly a legitimate concern, since it could just mean you’re incompatible, divorce or no divorce. Which wouldn’t be a problem about his past, but instead a problem with your future, one I urge you to deal with as such.