Have good taste to decline invitation
Dear Carolyn: My spouse and I received an invitation today for a “trailer park party” hosted by wealthy individuals at an upscale facility. The invitation deliberately includes poor grammar and misspellings, and plans for a trailer park fashion show – whoever dresses the “loudest” wins.
My spouse wants us to decline and be done with it. I would like to find a way to talk to the host that sensitively questions the theme. I think to simply decline is equal to listening to a racial slur and then choosing to keep silent. Although it doesn’t add to the indecency of the remark, it does not make any bold statement of integrity or sensitivity to the rest of our human family. At the same time, we don’t want to humiliate the hosts. What are your thoughts? – Unsure in Colorado
I’m with Spouse. There’s a difference between politically correcting a friend on the spot, by registering genuine, reflexive offense – and politically correcting by appointment.
The difference is intent. In the first case you’re an equal, staking out your values. In the second, you’re appointing yourself leader of the neighborhood values patrol.
There are exceptions. With close friends, or when the offense is a true moral outrage, you speak up. If you’re not sure when you’ve reached that point, it’s when there’s imminent harm, and therefore bruising the hosts’ little feelings is the least of your concerns.
Otherwise, they’re allowed to be take-your-breath-away tasteless and to mock what they perceive as poor taste. (And thereby put the joke back on themselves, but good … which in no way influenced my answer. No really.) That’s why your only duty is to have the good taste to stay home.
Dear Carolyn: Lately quite a few of my friends have gotten engaged. In the beginning, I was happy for them and interested in their plans. However, this seems to be ALL they ever talk about – where it will be held, the dress, the cake, etc. Even my best guy friend can’t stop gushing about the ring he bought for his fiancee.
I’m sure a tiny part of me is jealous, but it’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to hang out with them because, frankly, it bores me. How can we hang out, but not discuss their engagement exclusively? I feel like such a bad friend for even thinking this when they are in such a happy place in their lives. – Needs New Conversation
Self-assessment multiple-choice quiz, brutal honesty required.
If you were among the engaged and someone else was excluded, you would be:
(a) Moderating the wedding panel discussion.
(b) Holding back out of respect for the bored.
(c) Just as bored as you are now.
If you chose (a), have a yawn and wait it out. You still have plenty in common, just not at this moment, which will pass (into babies, schools, real estate, retirement and buffet dinners at 5).
If you chose (b) or (c), the engagements may be exposing a larger difference in values.
Either way, try raising other topics, or even, “Hey, a little respect for the single,” since they may not have any idea how monotonous (and therefore insensitive) they’ve become. Succeed or fail, though, you have nothing to lose by also casting a line for more friends.