It may pay Bonds dividends to advertise

SEATTLE – Forget whether he used the cream or the clear. The question now is: What uniform will Barry Bonds be wearing when he hits home run No. 756 next year?

San Francisco, his home for 14 seasons, seems disinclined to re-sign a creaky 42-year-old diva with steroid baggage, even marked down from his current $19 million, especially since he now plays left field as if he’s parallel parking a battleship. It’s obvious – even to Barry – that what baseball future he has is as a designated hitter.

Seattle? Well, the Mariners will need one next year. They could use one right now.

“It’s a nice ballpark, a nice environment,” Bonds said Friday night. “Time will tell. Call me – we can talk.”

But signing with Seattle poses a problem. Not for Victorian owner Howard Lincoln or general manager Bill Bavasi, whose touch with free agents resembles Tiger off the tee at Winged Foot – or even for manager Mike Hargrove, who’ll have to do the babysitting.

No, it’s a problem for Copacino and Fujikado, the ad-agency wizards who create the commercials that make the Northwest feel like it’s gotta love these guys.

They’ve never had a challenge like selling Barry Bonds as humble and lovable. Which is why the brainstorming started this weekend when the Giants rolled into town for their three-game series with the M’s:

Agency flack: “Barry, you’re going to love these spots. They’re clever, they’re fun and the fans really identify with the ‘regular guy’ personas of the players.”

Bonds: “Sure, sure – I like fun.”

Flack: “What we’ve done is altered a few of our previous ads, just to give you an idea of our approach. Remember, these are all about sanding down your ‘rough edges’ and cementing your appeal with fans.”

Bonds: “What rough edges?”

Flack: “Well, when you told a fellow player who wanted you to autograph a jersey for charity that you ‘don’t sign for white people.’ That sort of thing.”

Bonds: “See, now, that was a joke. That’s my humor. That would make a great commercial!”

Flack: “Uh, not so much, Barry. We’re not that, well, edgy. Here, let’s roll the tape on the Jamie Moyer ad we tweaked …”

Voice over montage of Bonds pictures: “Closing in on the all-time home run record, Barry Bonds’ remarkable career spans decades. Bonds broke into baseball by bringing Babe Ruth hot dogs in the Yankees dugout, then took the game’s first steroid nine years later. In the early 2000s, Barry popularized the ‘big head’ look in baseball…”

Bonds: “Are you kidding me?”

Flack: “Oh, you’ve seen that spot?”

Bonds: “What else you got?”

Flack: “Here’s one from a couple of years ago that we updated …”

Clip of Raul Ibanez, displaying soiled pants: “Barry, I’ve tried everything, but I just can’t get out the dirt from all the sliding we have to do.”

Clip of Bonds: “Try this, Raul. New Power Burst 3, with HGH and Dianabol. It’s tough on your complexion, but you’ll muscle up so much your doubles will be home runs and you’ll never have to slide again.”

Bonds: “Wait a second, I never admitted to using that stuff.”

Flack: “Barry, bubby, it’s what people know about you and it shows you’re willing to poke fun at yourself.”

Bonds: “But I’m not willing.”

Flack: “Here’s a musical approach that worked great with Richie Sexson. We’ve tailored it for you.”

Voice over, singing: “He took stuff that made his testicles shrink and his helmet’s as big as a bathroom sink.”

Chorus: “Bad Barryyyyy.”

Voice over, singing: “He may have committed perjury, but it ain’t the truth that sets you free.”

Chorus: “Bad Barryyyyyy.”

Voice over, singing: “He passed the Babe, he’ll get Aaron, too, and it won’t matter how much you boo.”

Chorus: “Bad Barryyyyyyyyyy!”

Bonds: “Look, maybe I’d be better off with Texas or Toronto …”

Flack: “Relax, I’m sure we’ll find something you’ll like. Hey, people loved our Edgar Martinez spots. Here’s a funny one where we showed all the things he did between at-bats as a DH. It’s perfect for you. See, he’s playing the ballpark organ, ordering pizza, helping the bat girl with her math homework …”

Bonds: “Yeah, I could be helping her with her chemistry.”

Flack: “Maybe not such a good idea.”

Bonds: “Ethics?”

Flack: “Maybe her book report on ‘Game of Shadows.’ No, let’s try something else. This one’s sure-fire. It’s a takeoff on the ad of Edgar teaching Mariners rookies phrases and terminology they might need to know.”

Bonds: “Oh, right. Like, ‘How ‘bout them Cougs?’ “

Flack: “Not exactly. Just watch.”

Clip of Mike Hargrove: “We’ve got guys from all over the world on our club. Veterans like Barry Bonds really help them out.”

Clip of Bonds: “That’s not my syringe.”

Rookies: “That’s not my syringe.”

Clip of Bonds: “Jason Grimsley’s a rat.”

Rookies: “Jason Grimsley’s a rat.”

Clip of Bonds: “Grand jury. Federal indictment. Tax evasion.”

Rookies: “I want a lawyer.”

Voice over of Dave Niehaus: “Mariners baseball. My oh my.”