Tell parents what to expect

Dear Annie: I’m 19 and have been dating “Jeff” for a couple of weeks, and I’m very happy with the way the relationship is going. Jeff is caring, smart and funny. I want him to meet my parents, but I’ve never brought a guy home, not even the boys who picked me up for dates in high school. They’d just honk the horn outside.

I’m afraid my parents will take one look at Jeff and not take him seriously. You see, he has long hair and a goatee. He knows I don’t like his hair or goatee, but I don’t think it’s my place to make him change.

I’m sure my parents would like Jeff if they got to know him, but their first impression may make that difficult. Is it too shallow of me to ask Jeff to shave and cut his hair before he meets my parents? – Indiana Girl

Dear Indiana: Well, there’s no harm in asking, but it is unfair to demand that he be someone else for the night.

You might be surprised to learn that your parents also want to make a good impression on the young man their daughter likes enough to invite home. You can give your parents a heads-up by describing Jeff to them, but they still may be a bit put off by his appearance, so make sure the visit is long enough to allow them to get to know the person behind the goatee.

Dear Annie: My widowed 72-year-old mother lost her sister last year, leaving me and my sister, “Stella,” as her only surviving family. Mom doesn’t have many friends. My aunt was her closest companion.

Stella is married and has one son, while I am in my 40s and single. Stella has been pressuring me to move in with Mom. Although my mother says she doesn’t want me to live with her, I suspect she wouldn’t mind the company. As it is, I talk to her on the phone several times a day and see her frequently, taking her shopping, to doctors appointments, etc., often rearranging my schedule to do so.

Stella and I never have had a good relationship, and I am afraid to confront her. It took me a long time to break free from my family and gain some independence, and now I feel like I have to give it up. What should I do? – Depressed in NYC

Dear Depressed: Right now, your mother is capable of living on her own. Call your local Area Agency on Aging, and find out if there are senior programs that provide transportation. These can include group trips to the grocery store, as well as social events. Your mother should not be so completely dependent on you. If she should become more incapacitated, consider an assisted-living facility.

Do not let Stella guilt you into moving in with Mom if you don’t wish to. It isn’t necessary, and your resentment actually would make things worse.