Get own place; see what he does

Tue., March 7, 2006

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar The Spokesman-Review

Dear Annie: I have been living with “Derek” for four years. I love him, but I’m not sure why.

I moved in with Derek because he basically asked me to marry him. Well, I thought he did. He said, “How would you like to change your last name?” I took that as a proposal and said yes. I have had an engagement ring for three years.

When I ask Derek when, or if, he plans to get married, he either says he is gun shy, or he gets furious and says I am trying to back him into a corner. I say I have a right to know, but he doesn’t seem to think so.

Derek has three children from a previous marriage, and one is getting married soon. The other two are living with us as their mother is moving out of town. I buy all the groceries, pay the water bill and the phone bill, and I do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry while working a full-time job.

Am I just being used or what? – Confused in South Dakota

Dear Confused: Derek obviously feels no great urgency to marry you. Right now, he has everything he wants. Move into your own place and stay there. Then you will find out whether Derek wants to make a legal commitment or if he just needs a chief cook and bottle washer.

Dear Annie: I am 16 years old, and my father’s parents are very rude to my mother. Mom has always been there for me, and she is the person I lean on. Mom holds our family together.

I don’t like it when my grandparents say bad things about my mother, but I do try to be respectful, since that is what my mom has taught me. My dad does not stand up for her at all. For the life of me, I don’t know why she stays with him. I’m at the point where I can’t stand it anymore. I have tried to talk to my dad, but no luck. Mom says just ignore it.

We are going to family counseling because of all the hurt, but if my grandparents can’t be decent to my mother, whom I love, I don’t want anything to do with them. – Billings

Dear Billings: Being respectful does not mean you have to put up with nasty remarks about your mother. It’s OK to tell your grandparents, politely, that you do not like it when they speak ill of your mother and you want them to stop. If they keep at it, say, “Excuse me,” and leave the room. Meanwhile, we hope all of you will work with the family counselor to resolve these issues and strengthen your bond.

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